Q: Why do female parachutists wear tampons?
A: So they don't whistle on the way down.
Swimmimg... it's not a sport, it's a way to keep from drowning.
There's an up-and-coming wrestler and he's rising steadily in the ranks. He's so good, that he asks his manager to set up a title fight with The Champ. "No way," the manager says, you just ain't ready. The Champ has his signature move, the 'Double-Spread-Eagle-Toe-Hold-Triple-Leg-Press', no one has ever escaped it. Forget it!"
But the wrestler won't forget it. He keeps on and on at his manager until the old man is at the end of his rope. Finally, he cracks. "OK," he says, "you asked for it. A shot at The Champ. Well, you're getting it! But listen up, he WILL get you into his Double-Spread-Eagle-Toe-Hold-Triple-Leg-Press, and when he does I ain't waitin' around. I'll throw in the towel the instant he traps you."
The big night comes, the wrestler gets careless and the manager's worst fear is realized. The Champ gets our boy into the Double-Spread-Eagle-Toe-Hold-Triple-Leg-Press in the first minute!
The wrestler's face is a beet red mask of agony and the Manager goes to throw in the towel, only to find it gone. He left it in the dressing room!
He sprints to go grab it, but just as he gets to the dressing room he hears the sound of a bell and a massive cheer shakes the building. It's all over. He takes a seat and waits for the wrestler to reappear, which he does - staggering into the room.
"I told you kid," the Manager says. "I warned you, It's all over."
"I won," the wrestler says. "Won? What do you mean, 'won'? You can't have won! He had you! He had you in the Double-Spread-Eagle-Toe-Hold-Triple-Leg-Press!
"Oh, he did," replies the wrestler. "and it was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. He had me folded over, bent backwards - but just as I was about to black out, I saw it."
"A big pair of nuts hanging right in front of my face, just swinging there. So I bit them!"
"You - bit...?"
"Yep! Chomped my teeth right down on those suckers! And then it was easy - I just stood up, threw him down and got him into a simple half-Nelson. He never stood a chance."
"Yep," said the wrestler. "It's incredible the sudden surge of strength you get from biting your own nuts."
New Medical Study
A new medical study has shown that a woman's breast-feeding isn't adversely affected by aerobics. It was found, however, to be pretty distracting to guys in the class.
The Skier's Dictionary
- Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate reply: "What Zermatter?"
- Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.
- Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury.
- Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: TWO bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident.
- Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain snow-travelling technique. It's good exercise. It doesn't require the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. It isn't skiing. See Cross-Country Something-Or-Other.
- Cross-Country Something-or-Other: Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispering hiss of the skis slipping through snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys dropping into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculpted drift.
- Exercises: A few simple warm-ups to make sure you're prepared for the slopes: *Tie a cinder block to each foot with old belts and climb a flight of stairs. *Sit on the outside of a second-story window ledge with your skis on and your poles in your lap for 30 minutes. *Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet.
- Gloves: Designed to be tight enough around the wrist to restrict circulation, but not so close fitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness within to escape.
- Gravity: One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia.
- Inertia: Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion. Goes along with these other physical laws: * Two objects of greatly different mass falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital bills. * Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, don't expect to encounter it again in our universe. * When an irresistible force meets an immovable object, an unethical lawyer will immediately appear.
- Pre-jump: Maneuver in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled pre-fall just before losing their balance and, if they wish, can precede it with a pre-scream and a few pre-groans.
- Shin: The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the strained ankle begins.
- Ski: A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!" - which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill.
- Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.
- Stance: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be mumbling, "Why?"
- Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and paineth.
- Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed.
- Tree: The other method.