My skydiving instructor would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first - timer questions. One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?" Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."
Q: What is a horse's favorite sport?
A: Stable tennis!
Go Fly a Kite
So this guy was out on his front lawn flying a kite, he was really having a difficult time. The kite was swinging wildly, not exactly what you'd describe as stable, so his wife sticks her head out the door and says, "Gee Ralph, it looks like you need more tail." Ralph replies "Make up your damn mind, last night you told me to go fly a kite!"
Yo Mama - Playing Pool
Yo mama so fat, she uses a soccer field for a pool table.
Two men , Rick and Dave, go on a skiing trip and get caught in a blizzard. They pull into a farm and ask the lady of the house, a good-looking widow , if they can sleep on her couch. She agrees and they turn in for the night. Next morning they go on their way and enjoy a weekend of skiing. A few months later, Rick gets a letter from the widow’s lawyer . He says to Dave, “You remember that good-looking widow we met on our skiing vacation?” “Yes,” says Dave. “In the middle of the night, did you go up to her room and have sex with her?” asks Rick. “Yes,” admits Dave, a little embarrassed. “I see,” says Rick. “And when you had sex did you happen to use my name instead of yours?” Dave’s face turns red. “Yeah, sorry,” he says. “I’m afraid I did.” “Well,” says Rick. “You must have been damn good. She’s just died and left everything to me.”