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The best jokes and joke writers!

10 Things Americans Know About the World Cup

1. N

2. O

3. T

4. H

5. I

6. N

7. G 

8. They 

9. Know 

10. Nothing 

Bigfoot

Q:  Why did the runner quit the race against Bigfoot?

A:  He couldn't face de-feet!!

The Honeymoon

A guy out on the golf course takes a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way." The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them. She says, "You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts." He whips down his pants and says... " Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

Facts of Life

  • Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes, there's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
  • There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
  • Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
  • Don't worry about the world ending today...It's already tomorrow in Australia. (unless you're in Australia -then start worrying)
  • Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
  • Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
  • Drive carefully, It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
  • A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.
  • A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.
  • Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
  • The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
  • There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
  • A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.

Golf With Benefits

A man asks an attractive woman on the golf course if she'd like to play a round with him. She wins by four strokes. Sensing the guy's embarrassment, the woman offers to take him to the parking lot and give him head in her car to make him feel better. For the rest of the week, they play together every morning. The woman wins by four or five strokes each time and then goes down on him in the parking lot. On Friday, he invites her to his house for a romantic dinner. That evening, they have a lovely meal and move to the couch to fool around. The woman pulls away and says, "That's it -- stop, wait -- I must confess something to you. I'm a transvestite. I'm really a man!" "You son of a bitch!" the guy exclaims. "You've been hitting off the women's tee all week!"