Once upon a time there was this guy who bought a hang glider and took it out to the mountains to fly it. He was cruising along a few hundred feet above the treetops when he spots these two hunters down below. He hollers and waves at them, trying to be sociable. Suddenly the hunters look up and they both fire their double barrel shotguns at him. When the hang glider was out of sight one of the hunters turns to the other and says, "What kinda bird you reckon that was?" The other hunter replied, "I don't rightly know, but I think we hit it. "How's that?" "You saw how fast he dropped that man he was caring, didn't ya?"
A man was on his first business trip to Japan, and he decided to check out the local Whore House. He walked in and was assigned a young girl with a body that got him "up" immediately. As soon as they reached the room, he started ripping her clothes off and going to town. Moaning and grunting, the girl was screaming in Japanese, "Wasukima! Wasukima!" He was sure that she was praising him for his good job, so he kept going harder than ever. Later, he went golfing with his boss and a few clients. As the clients were Japanese, he decided to impress them with his new knowledge of their language. When one of them got a hole in one, he raised his arms and shouted "Wasukima!" All of the men looked at him quizzically, and one of them asked, "Why are you shouting 'wrong hole'?"
A Game of Animal Football
The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V." He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play.
They went out to the field, chose teams and were ready to begin. The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six .Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.
Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a pep-talk. "Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."
The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede. "Did you do this?" he asked the centipede. "Yeah, I did." the centipede replied. The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?" Sheepishly he replied, "I was putting on my shoes."
Shark Week - Bait
One day, the pope was in from Italy and after a rough week of meetings he decided to go see the beach at Martha's Vineyard. When he arrived he saw a man struggling for his life against a shark. Upon a closer look he realized it was John Boehner. Horrified, he starts to call for help when the presidential speed boat pulls up along side Mr. Boehner, with Barack Obama and Joe Biden on board. Joe Biden leans over and pulls Boehner out. Then Barack and Joe begin to beat the shark to death with baseball bats. The two men notice the Pope and land the boat on the beach. The pope says to the men, "I know there has been a lot of strife in this administration, but I can see that you men have mutual respect and would help each other when it really counts. You have my blessings." The pope packs off and drives out of site. Obama asks, "Who was that?" "That was the pope Mr. President, he is all knowing, in touch with God and leader of the Catholic Church," says Biden. Obama says, "Well that's all neat and fine, but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Hows the bait holding up?"
The duffer muffed his tee shot into the woods, then hit into a few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into another woods. Finally, after banging away several more times, he proceeded to hit into a sand trap. All the while, he'd noticed that the club professional had been watching. "What club should I use now?" he asked the pro. "I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"