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The best jokes and joke writers!


Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?

A: Sexual harassment.

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?

A: $3.99 a minute.

That Long Thing on the Elephant

A couple took their young son to the circus and when the elephants appeared, the boy seemed very intrigued by them. "Mommy, what's that long thing on the elephant?" he asked. "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied. "No, not that. What's that long thing that's hanging between the elephant's legs?" asked the boy. Embarrassed, the mother replied, "Oh, it's nothing, son." She then left to get some hot dogs and sodas. While she was gone, the young boy turned to his father and asked, "Daddy, what's that long thing hanging between the elephant's legs?" "That's the elephant's penis, son," explained the father. "Well, why did mommy say it was nothing when I asked her?" the boy asked. Taking a deep breath, the father proudly replied, "I've spoiled that woman, son!"

Professional Acquaintance

A well respected Doctor and his wife were having drinks in the lobby of the theater during the opening night of a musical.  A blonde shimmied by that had to have had what there was of her evening gown spray painted on her curvy body. She smiled and gushed, "Well, hello there Doc." and kept right on going. After a moment's pause, the good doctor looked at his wife and said, "Don't worry dear, that's just a young lady I know professionally." Without missing a beat, his wife asked, "Hers or Yours ?"

Impossible to Please

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only"   Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.  The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."  So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain."  The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.  The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome."  Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."  They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.  On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome."  The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left.  Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman!"

Top 50 Jokes

Montreal Gazette's Top 50 Jokes from the 1999 Just For Laughs festival.

  1. (On going to war over religion:) You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.
  2. I used to smoke pot until I came to the conclusion... what was that conclusion, anyway?
  3. (On the difference between men and women:) On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.
  4. Women like posh hotels; there's more for them to steal. Take them to a posh hotel and they all turn into the Artful Dodger.
  5. And God said, "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."
  6. What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? "Hold my purse."
  7. The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you're got millions of pals out there. Type in, "Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire" and the computer will say, "Specify type of goat."
  8. Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.
  9. Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.
  10. There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.
  11. I was born in Nicaragua and I felt there wasn't enough political instability in my life. So I moved to Quebec.
  12. I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms.
  13. To make a long story short, Rhett and Scarlett split up in the end.
  14. (On American broadcasters' decision to make the puck in NHL hockey broadcasts glow:) Apparently the black puck on the white ice wasn't contrast enough. That's funny, because Americans don't usually have trouble distinguishing black from white.
  15. My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said, "Well, whose fault is that?"
  16. (On the 1-800 hotline number on a jar of pickles:) Who the hell's got pickle questions?
  17. (On the necessity of having a 24-hour pickle hotline:) You got brine problems that can't wait until morning?
  18. I'd like to help the homeless, but they're never home.
  19. My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.
  20. What's with squeegee kids? I mean, they don't really wash the windshield, do they? They simply re-distribute the dirt.
  21. Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets a blow job - no matter how bad it is.
  22. I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their houses have wheels.
  23. They had things on the Brady Bunch that I never saw in my house. Breakfast, for example.
  24. My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.
  25. The difference between Charles Manson and every woman I've dated is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut the first time you meet him.
  26. Montreal's not a city. It's Disney World for alcoholics.
  27. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. So I said: "Thyroid problem?"
  28. I carry Montreal with me wherever I go. I have a chunk of poutine in my arteries.
  29. Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.
  30. Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
  31. The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.
  32. Like my father, I, too, was born in Central America - Nebraska.
  33. Things you'll never hear a woman say: "My, what an attractive scrotum!"
  34. (On why the side-effects of drugs are always negative:) It's never "positive sexual side-effects." It's never "gigantism," is it?
  35. What's with the warning "May contain some nudity"? Well, I have to know for sure.
  36. And then there's the diner who asks if the fish at the restaurant is fresh. What are they going to tell you? "No, it's four days old and stinks to high heaven."
  37. When I was young, my father had a serious heart attack. He survived, but we lost our house and car. Under the Canadian medicare system, we would have kept the house and car and would have just had to pay the inheritance tax.
  38. Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on you, go limp and soil yourself.
  39. In Texas, if your name is Carlos, you're a Mexican. In Florida, you're a Cuban. In New York, you're a Puerto Rican. And I come here and I find out I'm an Eskimo.
  40. Why do people suck their stomachs in when they weigh themselves? So they can see the scale.
  41. I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.
  42. My parents saw the president they loved get shot in the head. I saw my president get head.
  43. I'm the second-most-famous person from Timmins, Ontario - after Shania Twain. That's like being the second-most-famous person from Bethlehem. No one cares about Duncan of Bethlehem.
  44. I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great Whale or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
  45. (On how a full-bodied sort of dad keeps his children fit and trim:) I like to promote fitness by walking around home in my underwear.
  46. (On trying to be a good husband by accompanying his wife to parties:) Just before we go in she turns to me and says: "Don't drink too much, don't eat too fast, and..." Oh, man. So why bring me? (Then on departing:) She turned to me and said: "How could you embarrass me like that in front of all my friends?" So I pointed out to her that it was _me_ who vomited.
  47. Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay-dungeon master.
  48. My mother never saw the irony of call me a son-of-a-bitch.
  49. Does Tampax really need it's own Web site? "My cramps are killing me. I'd better head over to the maxi-pad chat room."
  50. SPECIAL BONUS JOKE!!! Men and women clean differently. For example, women dust. Men don't dust. Men need the dust there so they know where to put things back.