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The best jokes and joke writers!

Like a Woman

On a Trans-Atlantic Flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it! Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's drop-dead gorgeous. Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Here, iron this."

Raggedy Anne and Pinnochio

Q: Why was Raggedy Anne kicked out of the toy pen?

A: Because she kept sitting on Pinnochio's  face saying, "Lie to me, lie to me!"

Cheating Wife

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the doctor, "Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

Perfect Day

HER PERFECT DAY:

  • 8:45 - Wake up to hugs and kisses
  • 9:00 - 5 pounds lighter on the scale
  • 9:30 - Light breakfast
  • 11:00 - Sunbathe
  • 12:30 - Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
  • 1:45 - Shopping
  • 2:30 - Run into husband's ex - notice she's gained 30lbs.
  • 3:00 - Facial, massage, nap
  • 7:30 - Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
  • 10:00 - Make love
  • 11:30 - Pillow talk in his big strong arms

HIS PERFECT DAY:

  • 10:00 - Wake up
  • 10:02 - SEX
  • 10:10 - Big Breakfast
  • 11:30 - Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
  • 2:15 - Enormous lunch with BEER
  • 3:15 - SEX
  • 3:25 - Play sports with the guys
  • 4:30 - Drink BEER with the guys
  • 6:30 - Meet Claudia Schiffer
  • 6:40 - SEX
  • 6:50 - Huge dinner, more BEER
  • 8:00 - Fall asleep with BEER watching TV while dreaming of having SEX with Claudia Schiffer
  • 11:00 - Full on, get down, gorilla SEX, more BEER
  • 11:10 - Sleep
  • 2:30 - Fart

Why They Call It the Wonder Bra

Q:  Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?

A:  When you take it off you wonder where her tits went!