Perfect Day

HER PERFECT DAY:

• 8:45 - Wake up to hugs and kisses
• 9:00 - 5 pounds lighter on the scale
• 9:30 - Light breakfast
• 11:00 - Sunbathe
• 12:30 - Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
• 1:45 - Shopping
• 2:30 - Run into husband's ex - notice she's gained 30lbs.
• 3:00 - Facial, massage, nap
• 7:30 - Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
• 10:00 - Make love
• 11:30 - Pillow talk in his big strong arms

HIS PERFECT DAY:

• 10:00 - Wake up
• 10:02 - SEX
• 10:10 - Big Breakfast
• 11:30 - Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
• 2:15 - Enormous lunch with BEER
• 3:15 - SEX
• 3:25 - Play sports with the guys
• 4:30 - Drink BEER with the guys
• 6:30 - Meet Claudia Schiffer
• 6:40 - SEX
• 6:50 - Huge dinner, more BEER
• 8:00 - Fall asleep with BEER watching TV while dreaming of having SEX with Claudia Schiffer
• 11:00 - Full on, get down, gorilla SEX, more BEER
• 11:10 - Sleep
• 2:30 - Fart

Female Desire

Q: What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A: Money

A Cheese Sandwich.

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am." The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"