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A Woman's Seminars

New summer seminars for women;

  • The Auto Hood Release, What Is It And Why Is It There Life Beyond Shoes Money
  • The Non-Renewable Resource
  • How To Get 90 Minutes Out Of An Hour
  • Why Men Don't Like Any Of Your Friends
  • How To Be A Victim Of Marketing
  • How To Get Out Of Bed Without Waking Up Your Man
  • Is There Really Enough Makeup In The World
  • How To Get The Most Out Of A Garbage Bag
  • Cigar Smoke And Its Benefits
  • Clocks And Time: The Mysterious Connection
  • Tupperware: Its Social And Environmental Drawbacks
  • Where To Look When Your Automobile Is In Reverse
  • Learning When Not To Talk, And Then Not Talking
  • How To Avoid Turning Into Your Mother
  • Quality Time: When You And Your Husband Should Spend Time Apart
  • Beyond The Front Page: Exploring The Daily Newspaper
  • How To Accept Criticism or When To Give Up On Cooking
  • Telltales Sounds Associated With Auto Collisions
  • Toilet Paper And The Loss Of The Rain Forests: The Vital Connection
  • When Ignorance Can Be A Blessing: Household Finances And You
  • How To Keep 'Em Guessing
  • 101 Ways To Fold A Towel
  • Talking And Driving: There's Got To Be A Way

Three Bragging Women in a Bar

Three women were sitting at a bar having a few drinks. After a while the conversation started turning a little rude and crass. Soon the women were getting louder and they were arguing about how wide their snatches were. (This happens all the time.) The first woman got up on the bar, lifted her leg, grabbed a baseball bat and slid it home. All the people in the bar were watching, hooting and hollering, throwing money. Five minutes later the second woman got up, lifted her leg, grabbed a bowling ball and slid it in. People were going ballistic. Finally the third women very casually got up on the bar and asked for a quarter. She slid it in..... and the jukebox starts playing.

ELEMENT: WOMAN

ELEMENT: WOMAN SYMBOL: WO DISCOVERER:

ADAM ATOMIC MASS:    Accepted as 53.6 Kg, but known to vary from 40 to 200 Kg.

OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties:

1. Surface normally covered with a painted film.

2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason.

3. Melts if given special treatment.

4. Bitter if incorrectly used.

5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.

6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points.

Chemical Properties:

1. Has great affinity to gold, silver and a range of precious stones.

2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.

3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no apparent reason.

4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol.

5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

Common Uses:

1. Highly ornamental.

2. Can be a great aid in relaxation.

3. Very effective cleaning agent.

Tests:

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.

2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Hazards:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.

2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens don't come into contact with each other.

Be Politically Correct With Women

  • She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
  • She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
  • She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
  • She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
  • She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
  • She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
  • She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
  • She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
  • She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
  • She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE
  • She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
  • She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
  • She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
  • She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.
  • She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
  • She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
  • She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
  • She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
  • She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
  • She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say

  1. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
  2. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
  3. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
  4. And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
  5. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
  6. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.
  7. I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.