Sex Jokes - Private Parts

Q: Why do midgets laugh when they play soccer?

A: Because the grass tickles their balls!

Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner and looked for his wife, but she had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife: THE TENT POLE IS UP, THE CANVAS IS SPREAD. THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST, COME BACK TO BED.

The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy. It read: TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN, PUT THE CANVAS AWAY. THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE, NO CIRCUS TODAY.

So he sent another note down. It read: THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP, AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD. SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING, COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD.

To which she replied: I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S THE BEST IN THE LAND. BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW SO DO IT BY HAND!!

Q: Why do men walk so fast?

A: They've got three legs!

Q: Why do women talk so much?

A: They've got two mouths!

An woman walks into a drug store and asks the man behind the counter if they sell extra large condoms. The clerk looks at the woman quizzically, but shrugs and tells her "Yes, we do. They're right here behind the counter." The woman thanks the clerk and sits down in a nearby chair. The clerk asks the woman, "Is there something else I can help you with, Ma'am?" The woman winks and smiles at the clerk and says "No, thank you. I'm just waiting here to see who buys them".

Once there was this man whose car broke down. He realized after looking for help for 10 minutes that there was a small farmhouse with an old lady sitting on the porch. He told her his unfortunate story and she gladly let him in. But first she told him, ''I have three rules that you musn't break or I'll see to it that you meet justice! But since talking hurts my throat so much, I won't tell you my rules.'' She let him sleep in the laundry room. He found himself a comfortable pile of old wool sweaters. After puffing his "pillow" he realized that a pair of pants were hanging down from a clothes line over top of his new bed. Seeing that it was no big deal he pulled them down. Instantly the old lady darted into the room and said, ''YOU BROKE MY FIRST RULE!'' He was sent outside to sleep in the donkey's stable. Right beside him was a tiny donkey kicking him so much that he slapped it. In a flash grandma was there: ''You broke the second rule. Watch out.'' He was sent onto the porch to sleep. All of a sudden a big, ugly cat came along and started rubbing all over him. Being allergic to cat hair, he shaved it bald. Here came the grandma. ''You broke the third rule,'' she starts, ''I'm calling the cops.'' The cops came and requested a description of what happened. The old lady said, ''That man is a damned rapist. He pulled down my pants, slapped my ass and shaved my pussy!"