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The best jokes and joke writers!

Marriage Counselor

Magnussen goes to a marriage counselor and says, "My wife isn't as much fun as she used to be."

The marriage counselor says, "Do you still enjoy a roll in the hay?"

Magnussen says, "As much as the next fellow."

The counselor says, "Maybe between you and the next fellow, she's exhausted."

Orgasm

Husband asked his wife "Why don't you tell me when you orgasm?"

She replied, "Because I don't like calling you at work."

Call for Me

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him. Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities....."Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 68 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day!

 

Wink Wink

A man was interviewing for a sales representative. One candidate would have been ideal for the position except that he had a disconcerting mannerism. He kept winking. "Look here, I'd like to give you the job, you've got good references and experience. The trouble is this tick you've got of winking all the time, it might bother our customers. "No worries." the candidate replied. "All I've got to do to get rid of it is to take a couple of aspirins." In saying this he began emptying his pockets. The employer was startled to see dozens of condoms, multicolored ones, ribbed ones, heavy duty varieties and every known brand of standard condom. "Here we are." said the rep. He swallowed two aspirins and his winking stopped at once. "That's all very well but we couldn't hire a man who was going to be womanizing all over his territory." "Oh I wouldn't dream of it, I'm happily married." "Then how do you account for all of those condoms?"

"Simple, did you ever go into a pharmacy winking all the time and ask for a bottle of aspirins?"

Crystal Bowl

Sister Mary Holycard was in her 60s, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon early in the spring a young priest came to chat, so she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She then invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water, and in the water floated, a condom. Well, imagine how shocked and surprised he was. Imagine his curiosity! Surely, he thought, Sister Mary had flipped or something! When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat, and of course, the priest tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water, and the strange floater. Soon it got the better of him and he could resist no longer. "Sister," he asked, "I wonder if you could tell me about this?" (pointing to the crystal bowl) "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful?" "I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know I haven't had a cold all winter!"