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Sex Jokes
Life Is Cruel
What women want in a relationship: A handsome, loving professional man who will just love them for who they are.
What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them only because no other woman wants him.
What men want in a woman: A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela LeeAnderson; Wonderful Mom with big hooters and can suck the chrome off a flag pole.
What men get: Someone who immediately begins to gain those 80 extra pounds the moment after she says "I Do", beginning with the wedding cake!
What women want in bed: A passionate lover who takes the time to kiss and gently caress, slowly building up to a wonderful joyous experience together.
What they get: "Wham-Bam-Thank-You Ma'am!", Belch, Fart, Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
What men expect out of a marriage: 3 loving children who honor their parents.
What they get: 3 helions who are a combination of their parents every fault and make their life a living hell.
1st anniversary card from husband to wife: "My sweet loving wife... I hope this first year is a reflection of the next 60 years, you are my heart and soul, I am forever yours."
5th anniversary card: "I love you so much honey... words cannot describe."
10th anniversary card: "Hey, how's it hangin'? Love Ya'!!"
15th anniversary card: "Ummmmmmmmm... 'sup?"
16th anniversary card from wife to husband: "You are hereby summoned to divorce proceedings..."
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Little Johnny's Birthday Wish
Little Johnny asks his father for a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father says, "We have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and I just got laid off! There won't be a $200 bike this year." Two days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father asks him why he's leaving. Johnny says, "Early this morning, I was walking past your room, and I heard you tell Mommy that you were pulling out, and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I'll be damned if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"
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I Spy
Five year old Johnny and his little sister are peeping through a keyhole at their parents making love: "Wow, look at them! And we are not allowed even to stick a finger in our nose!"
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