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The best jokes and joke writers!

Punishment that fits the crime

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. One is a poodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a great Dane.  The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks "why are you here?"  The schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well.  I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep." 

The schnauzer asks the poodle "why are you here?"  The poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep."

The poodle and schnauzer ask the great Dane why he is here. The great Dane responds, "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pickup something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself. "  The poodle asks, "so she brought you here to put to sleep?"  "Oh, no...., I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."

Ride The Camel

It's Colonel Smith's first day at a new base in Saudi Arabia, and the company clerk is showing him around the camp. They tour the entire base and the clerk shows him around and points out every building of interest. At the end of the tour, the Colonel says, "What about that little stable over there? What's that for?" "Well," says the clerk, and looks at the ground in embarassment, "you may have noticed there aren't any women on the base. You see, we keep a camel in that there stable, so that when the men get their urges they can --" The Colonel holds up his hand, shakes his head and cuts off the clerk mid sentence. "PLEASE! Say no more. I get the point." Well, as you can imagine, after a few weeks on the base the Colonel too felt the need for a woman, and so he found himself at the clerk's desk one Saturday afternoon. "Tell me," the Colonel said in a whisper, looking over his shoulder to be sure no one else could hear, "is the camel free this afternoon?" The clerk checks his appointment book and nods in the affirmative. "How about I schedule you in for 2:00?" The Colonel nods and walks away. At 2:00 he makes his way to the stable, walks in, and gently closes the door behind him. He finds a small stepping stool nearby, moves it behind the camel, and climbs onto it. Then he lowers his trousers, and begins, well, making love to the camel. Just as he's nearing his peak, the door opens suddenly and the Colonel spins around in shock and embarrassment to see the clerk standing there with a big grin on his face. As the Colonel begins to yell for him to leave, the clerk interrupts him with a quizzical look on his face. "Begging your pardon, sir, but wouldn't it have been simpler for you to just ride the camel into town to find a woman, like the other men do?"

Puppy on a Plane

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, this man got a small puppy as a present for his son.  Not having time to get the paper work to take the puppy on board, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and snunk him on board the airplane.  About 30 minutes into the trip a flight attendant noticed the man shaking and quivering. "Are you OK, sir?", asked the stew? "Yes, I'm fine." said the man. Sometime later the flight attendant noticed the man moaning and shaking again. "Are you sure you're alright sir?"  "Yes." said the man, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants."  'Whats wrong?" asked the flight attendant, "Isn't he house broken?" "No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!"

Having Affairs

Q: Did you hear about the doctor who had his license taken away because he was having affairs with his patients?

A: Yup, it's a shame because he was one of the top veterinarians in the country!

Little Johnny Cussing

The teacher hears Little Johnny cussing, and gets pissed off. She goes bitching to Little Johnny's father. She comes to Little Johnny's house and sees Little Johnny fucking a goat in the front yard. She walks in the house and screams to his father, "Your son! Your son! He cussed in the school and now... now he's being carnal with a goat in the front yard!" Little Johnny's father goes running out the door yelling, "Son of a bitch! Today is my turn!"