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The best jokes and joke writers!

Artificial Insemination

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.  The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.  

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.  Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again.  He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.  One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods.  He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.  

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep.  He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.  "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn!"

K9 Punishment

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. One is a poodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a great Dane.  The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks "why are you here?"  The schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well.  I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep." 

The schnauzer asks the poodle "why are you here?"  The poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep."

The poodle and schnauzer ask the great Dane why he is here. The great Dane responds, "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pickup something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself. "  The poodle asks, "so she brought you here to put to sleep?"  "Oh, no...., I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."

HillBilly Memories

There was a NY reporter stuck in a small West Virginia mountain town. He decided to use the time by getting a good story to submit to his boss. He saw an old man sitting outside a local store and went over to begin the interview. "Sir, I'm writing a story about people in this area and would like to include an interesting story from you. Is there any particular story that you would like to share?" The old hillbilly smiled to himself as he thought back on a time. "Well, thar was the time I lost my sheep. We gathered up a bunch of the boys, got some moonshine in us and went off after it. When we found the sheep, we all took turns screwing it....my, that was fun!" The reporter couldn't write a story about that so he asked for another. "Well, when my neighbor's wife got lost, we all gathered up and got drunk and went out to look for her. We had a good time taking turns with her when we found her, too. Damn that was a lot of fun!" The reporter was frustrated. "Sir, I can't submit a story like that. Maybe you oughta tell me about a not so fun time you had." "Well," the hillbilly said as he fidgited in his chair, he looked up at the reporter with a pained expression, "thar was that time "I" got lost..."

Alabama Welcome

This guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Iowa." The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says, "I mount animals." The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

Cat Sex

A zoophile, a sadist, a murderer, a necrophile, a pyromaniac, and a masochist, are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" said the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.

There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."