Jewish Santa

Q: Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus?
A: He comes down the chimney, wakes up the children and says, "Hey kids, do you want to buy some toys?"

Dallas Cowboy Put - Downs

Q: What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the Playoffs?
A: The Dallas Cowboys
Q: How many players did the Cowboys dress for their last game?
A: 22. The rest dressed themselves.
Q: What's Jerry Jones' biggest concern?
A: Does bail money count against the salary cap?
Q: Four Dallas Cowboys are in a car. Who's driving?
A: The police.
I understand Chicago is trying to sign Michael Irvin. They got rid of the refrigerator and now they want a coke machine.
The Dallas newspapers reported yesterday that Texas Stadium is going to take out the artificial turf because the Cowboys play better on "grass".
The Dallas Cowboys adopted a new "Honor System". Yes, your Honor, No, your Honor.
The Cowboys had a 8 and 8 season this year. 8 arrests, 8 convictions.
Q: What's the difference between a Cowboys fan and a baby?
A: Eventually the baby stops whining.
A woman in Dallas calls911. When the officer answers the phone the woman is hysterical and tells the cop that a man has just broken into her home and she thinks he intends to rape her. The officer explain that they are just extremely busy at the moment and tells her "Just get the guy's jersey number and we'll get back to you."

Actual Court Testimonial

30 things people actually said in court:
1. Q: What is your date of birth?  A: July 15th  
Q: What year?  A: Every year.
2. Q: What gear were you in the moment of impact?  A: Gucci sweets and Reeboks.
3. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory  A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?  A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten?
4. Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?  A: 38 or 35, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you? A: 45 years.
5. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?  A: He said "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you? A:  My name is Susan.
6. Q: And where was the location of the accident?  A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
7. Q: Sir, What is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
8. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
9. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo? A: We do.
Q: You do? A: Yes, Voodoo.
10. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were you red and blue lights flashing?  A: Yes
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes sir
Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at?
11. Q: Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnt know about it until the next morning?
12. Q: The youngest son, the 22 year old, how old is he?
13. Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
14. Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
15. Q: Did he kill you?
16. Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?
17. Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
18. Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
19. Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes. Q: What were you doing at the time?
20. Q: She had three children right? A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys? A: none.
Q: Were there any girls?
21. Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: yes
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
22. Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather eleborate honeymoon, didnt you? A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
23. Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
24. Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
25. Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or female?
26. Q: Doctor how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
27. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK,? What school did you go to? A: Oral
28. Q: Do you recall the time you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
29. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
30. Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No.
Q: So it was possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brains was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.