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The best jokes and joke writers!

Phone a Friend

Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies. He manages to make contact with Abe the next day. Abe says, "I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?" Max replies, "Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!" Abe says, "So what's the bad news?"Max replies, "Well, you're booked to play the solo!"

Church Announcement Bloopers

  1. Don't let worry kill you- let the church help.
  2. Thursday night- potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
  3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
  4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery upstairs.
  5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of Robert Joseph Granier, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Mildred Granier.
  6. This afternoon there will be meetings in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
  7. Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
  8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
  9. Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
  10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Peabody to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.

Shark Week - Bait

One day, the pope was in from Italy and after a rough week of meetings he decided to go see the beach at Martha's Vineyard. When he arrived he saw a man struggling for his life against a shark. Upon a closer look he realized it was John Boehner. Horrified, he starts to call for help when the presidential speed boat pulls up along side Mr. Boehner, with Barack Obama and Joe Biden on board. Joe Biden leans over and pulls Boehner out. Then Barack and Joe begin to beat the shark to death with baseball bats. The two men notice the Pope and land the boat on the beach. The pope says to the men, "I know there has been a lot of strife in this administration, but I can see that you men have mutual respect and would help each other when it really counts. You have my blessings." The pope packs off and drives out of site. Obama asks, "Who was that?" "That was the pope Mr. President, he is all knowing, in touch with God and leader of the Catholic Church," says Biden. Obama says, "Well that's all neat and fine, but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Hows the bait holding up?"

Dam Turkey

A preacher's wife goes to the butcher.
The butcher asks if she'd like to try some Dam Turkey. The preacher's wife is shocked. The butcher explains that "Dam Turkey" is the brand name of the bird and shows her the packaging with the beaver and dam logo.

That night, the preacher asks, "What's for dinner?" His wife says she bought some Dam Turkey from the butcher. The preacher scolds his wife for using such language in their home. She explains the "Dam Turkey brand name and their logo.

At the dinner table, the preacher asks his 16-year-old son to pass him the "Dam Turkey." The son replies, "That's the spirit Dad, now will you please pass me the 'f**kin' mashed potatos?"

Busted

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist whose breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately it distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached the organist and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size. She warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they would make her mouth pucker up, and she wouldn't be able to talk properly for a while. The organist reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the priest walked up to the pulpit and said..."Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday."