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The best jokes and joke writers!

Drive with Grandpa

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers?  Well, here it is:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends.   Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all.  He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed.  Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.  "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.   "Oh, yes, PapPap, it was really wonderful.   We didn't see a single asshole, blind bastard, dipshit or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"

Besides, I Love You

Q: Besides "I love you", what three words does a wife want to hear most?

A: "I'll fix it."

Winning

A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas. Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He leaves the casino in a limo, calls his wife and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I just won over a million dollars in Vegas." His wife says, "That's wonderful. What should I pack for...Europe, the Caribbean?" He says, "I don't care, just be gone when I get home."

Frozen Windows

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning... 

'Windows frozen; won't open'

Husband texts back, 'Pour warm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer'

Five minutes later wife texts back, 'Computer really messed up now.'

Area 51

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"