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The best jokes and joke writers!

A Proper Name

While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform. On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine. Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection. Looking down at this, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!"

Needs Ironing

A man and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary at the same hotel in the same room where they spent their wedding night. In honor of the occasion, she bought a $400.00 silk see-through negligee. After taking off her clothes in the bathroom, she realized that she had left the negligee in the suitcase. Coming out of the bathroom to get it, her husband remarked, "Geez, for $400.00, you'd think they could have ironed the damn thing!"

Women...Rules Men Wish You Would Learn!

  • If you think you're ugly, you probably are. Don't ask us.
  • Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
  • Don't cut your hair. For any reason. Ever.
  • If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
  • Sometimes we're NOT thinking about you. Live with it.
  • Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as wax worms vs. grubs, the shotgun formation and carburetors.
  • ANYTHING you wear is fine. Really.
  • You have enough clothes.
  • You have too many shoes.
  • Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
  • Ask us for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
  • No, we DON'T know what day it is. We never will.
  • Mark anniversaries and birthdays on a calendar.
  • Yes, whizzing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point-blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
  • "Yes" and "No" ARE perfectly acceptable answers.
  • A headache that lasts for 17 days is a problem. See a doctor.
  • Check your oil.
  • Don't give us rules.
  • Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
  • Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 2 days.
  • Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
  • You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.
  • Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
  • Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
  • Women wearing low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
  • Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be!

Consoling a Friend

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with another man. "Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world." "It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?" The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."

Scotland Lard

A man walks into a bar and notices two fat women.

They had obviously been drinking a lot, and were speaking loudly with heavy accents. After an hour he becomes annoyed with the noise, walks over to them and asks, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but are you two ladies from Scotland?"

"Wales, you idiot!", shouts the fattest one.

"I'm sorry," he says. "Are you two whales from Scotland?"