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The best jokes and joke writers!

Frigid Challenge

I challenged my ex-wife to do the "ice bucket challenge". This will be the first time the water starts out warm and turns into ice.

Frost Wants a Divorce

Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce?

A: He thought his wife was a flake.

Note on the Fridge

I came home from the golf course today. The wife had left a note on the refrigerator, "IT'S NOT WORKING, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay with my mother."

I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. What the hell is she talking about?

Amish Couple

Q: Hear about the Amish couple that was getting a divorce after 55 years of marriage?

A: The wife told the judge that her husband was "driving her buggy!"

Marriage Quotes

  • In a great romance, each person plays a part the other really likes. - Elizabeth Ashley
  • Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim Backus
  • No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. - Honore de Balzac
  • Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. - Ray Bandy
  • Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. - Baskins
  • I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting. - Milton Berle, when called to the microphone at the 2nd Annual Comedians Hall of Fame Inductions
  • Love: a temporary insanity often curable by marriage. - Ambrose Bierce
  • The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity. - Ambrose Bierce
  • I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette
  • Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. - Borge
  • In the blithe days of honeymoon, With Kate's allurements smitten, I lov'd her late, I lov'd her soon, And call'd her dearest kitten.But now my kitten's grown a cat, And cross like other wives. O! By my soul my honest Mat, I fear she has nine lives. - James Boswell "Life of Johnson"
  • A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle. - Boudelaire
  • For a male and female to live continuously together is...biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural condition. - Robert Briffault
  • My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her. - Lenny Bruce
  • Never tell. Not if you love your wife... In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya." This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay on Top of Me Or I'll Die.' I didn't know what I was gonna do..." - Lenny Bruce
  • Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back. - Al Bundy
  • Nothing says lovin' like marrying your cousin! - Al Bundy
  • Once a boy becomes a man, he's a man all his life, but a woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife. - Al Bundy
  • I hate work. That's why I got married. - Peg Bundy
  • I just want what every married woman wants, someone besides her husband to sleep with. - Peg Bundy
  • The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong. - Archie Bunker
  • In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved. - Butler
  • If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. - Chekhov
  • Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. - G. K. Chesterton
  • An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie
  • The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. - S. T. Coleridge