We're sorry, but it appears that you are using an anonymous proxy. To prevent fraudulent voting, we don't allow votes from anonymous proxies.

This contest requires users to be registered in order to vote.

You must be a registered user to submit a joke.  But registering is FREE and don’t worry, we only need a name and e-mail address, and we don’t sell or share your information with any third-parties (see Privacy Policy).

You must complete account validation before submitting jokes. Click here to go to your profile page to complete the process.

We’re sorry, but your browser settings indicate that you don’t want to be tracked.  You can either disable that setting or simply register for a FREE account, so we’ll know that you want us to track your preferences and feedback.  Don’t worry, we only need a name and e-mail address and we don’t sell or share your information with any third-parties (see Privacy Policy).

The best jokes and joke writers!

Frigid Challenge

I challenged my ex-wife to do the "ice bucket challenge". This will be the first time the water starts out warm and turns into ice.

Frost Wants a Divorce

Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce?

A: He thought his wife was a flake.

Note on the Fridge

I came home from the golf course today. The wife had left a note on the refrigerator, "IT'S NOT WORKING, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay with my mother."

I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. What the hell is she talking about?

Amish Couple

Q: Hear about the Amish couple that was getting a divorce after 55 years of marriage?

A: The wife told the judge that her husband was "driving her buggy!"

Marriage Quotes

  • In a great romance, each person plays a part the other really likes. - Elizabeth Ashley
  • Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim Backus
  • No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. - Honore de Balzac
  • Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. - Ray Bandy
  • Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. - Baskins
  • I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting. - Milton Berle, when called to the microphone at the 2nd Annual Comedians Hall of Fame Inductions
  • Love: a temporary insanity often curable by marriage. - Ambrose Bierce
  • The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity. - Ambrose Bierce
  • I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette
  • Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. - Borge
  • In the blithe days of honeymoon, With Kate's allurements smitten, I lov'd her late, I lov'd her soon, And call'd her dearest kitten.But now my kitten's grown a cat, And cross like other wives. O! By my soul my honest Mat, I fear she has nine lives. - James Boswell "Life of Johnson"
  • A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle. - Boudelaire
  • For a male and female to live continuously together is...biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural condition. - Robert Briffault
  • My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her. - Lenny Bruce
  • Never tell. Not if you love your wife... In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya." This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay on Top of Me Or I'll Die.' I didn't know what I was gonna do..." - Lenny Bruce
  • Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back. - Al Bundy
  • Nothing says lovin' like marrying your cousin! - Al Bundy
  • Once a boy becomes a man, he's a man all his life, but a woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife. - Al Bundy
  • I hate work. That's why I got married. - Peg Bundy
  • I just want what every married woman wants, someone besides her husband to sleep with. - Peg Bundy
  • The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong. - Archie Bunker
  • In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved. - Butler
  • If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. - Chekhov
  • Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. - G. K. Chesterton
  • An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie
  • The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. - S. T. Coleridge