Relationship Jokes - Divorce Jokes

After 15 years of marriage, Kate leaves her husband Danny. Danny lost everything to his ex wife, so thinking he's going insane, he takes a little walk through the forest. As he was walking his foot hits a lamp and a genie comes out. The genie says, "I'll give u 3 wishes, BUT everything you get your wife gets two times as much." Danny wishes for a car and his wife got two times as many cars. Then he wished for a house and his wife got two houses. Then Danny asked the genie to choke him half two death.

The newly divorced woman had never had to be the handyman around the house before, and quickly discovered she was lacking most of the proper tools to do the odd jobs needed. She made a trip to the local hardware store and quickly learned that it was truly a "man's world" there. Thinking that she might be taken advantage of if she let on that she was indeed a novice, she made a determined effort to look and sound as if she knew what she was doing. Completing her first group of purchases she took them to the clerk at the counter and looking behind him she discovered she hadn't bought any files. She pointed to one and said  "May I have one of those ?" The clerk, unsure of what she was indicating said, "What... one of those bastards ?" Without a pause, she said, "Yeah ! And ya better give me a few of those Son-of-a-Bitches next to 'em too."

Tim is shopping to find a Barbie for his daughter when he notices he knows nothing about Barbie and there aren't even prices on them. So, Tim brings three Barbie dolls to the checkout. "Hi, how may I help you?" says the checkout guy. Tim replies, "I have three Barbies and I need to know what they are and how much they cost." The checkout guys says, "Well, the first one is Princess Barbie and she is $20 dollars. The second one is Forever Barbie and she is $25 dollars. The third is Divorce Barbie and she is $250." "What!!? Tim shouts. Are you kidding me?!! Why is Divorce Barbie so much?" The checkout guy explains, "Well, Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and everything else Ken owns!!"

A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.

Q: Why did the geologist's wife leave him?

A: He took her for granite.