You Are Available?

A lonely divorcee was driving home from work one evening when she saw a man trying to hitch a ride. She picked him up and they got to talking."What do you do?" she asked him.
"I recently escaped from prison for having killed my wife."
"Oh, does that mean you are available?"

On Divorce

• Divorce is bachelorhood, with strings attached. 
• Tis better to have loved and lost, than have to live with the bitch the rest of my life.
• What do you call a woman without an asshole? Divorced.
• My ex-wife is like a good laxative.  She irritates the shit out of you.
• Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
• Divorce is having your genitals torn off through your wallet. - Robin Williams
• Love is grand. Divorce is at least 20 grand.
• When I got divorced, my wife and I split the house. I got the outside and she got the inside.
• Of all the new weight loss programs and exercise videos available, divorce is still the most effective. Where else can you get rid of 205 pounds in a quick 90 days?
• Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. - Ambrose Pierce
• When does a woman stop masturbating? After the divorce is finalized.
• Says Jim after the divorce was finally settled, "Eh, I didn't care for some of her habits... I mean, she was a slob! Every time I went to take a piss, she always had dirty dishes laying there in the sink!
• Two guys are talking in a bar. The first one says, "My ex-wives were great housekeepers. The first one kept the house, the second one kept the house...."
• What do tornadoes and marriage have in common? At first, there's a lot of blowing and sucking. Then when it's over, your whole house is gone.
• I blame my divorce on my ex-husband's calculating mind. He put two and two together.
• How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly? When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.
• What is the difference between Saddam Hussein and your ex-wife's lawyer? Compared with the lawyer's demands, Hussein's are reasonable.
• There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.

Late Payment Letter

Gentlemen:
I have just received your letter in regards to the bill I owe you. You said the bill should have been paid long ago and you don't understand why it wasn't. Well, I will enlighten you.

• In 1957 I bought a sawmill on credit.
• In 1959 I bought an ox team, a timber cart and two ponies; a shotgun, a wine tester, a Colt revolver and five razorback hogs all on credit.
• In 1960 the sawmill burned down. One of my ponies died and the other I loaned to a son-of-a-bitch who starved him to death.
• In 1961 my father died and my mother was hung for horse rustling. A mechanic named Joe knocked up my daughter and I had to pay the doctor $88.32 to keep the bastard from becoming a relative of mine.
• In 1963 my son had the mumps and they went down on him; the doctor had to castrate him to save his life. That summer I went fishing and the boat turned over and I lost the biggest catfish you ever saw, and one of my sons drowned (not the castrated one).
• In 1966 my wife ran away with another feller and left me with the three small children as a souvenir. I married the hired girl to keep down expenses, but I had trouble getting her off, and the doctor told me to try to create some excitement just as she was beginning to get aroused. That night I pointed the shotgun out the window while we were in bed and just as she was beginning to orgasm I pulled the trigger. Well, she shit the bed, I ruptured myself and killed the best damn milk cow I ever had.
• The next year my troubles really started. My wife caught the clap from the ice man, my son wiped his ass with a corn cob with poison ivy on it, and someone de-nutted my best bull.
• In 1970 I decided to go into another business on my own. I ordered six bee hives from Sears, Roebuck, and Company. I bought a swarm of bees and a queen bee all on credit on the installment plan. The queen bee died and I ordered another one. She turned out to be a whore and started running around with a horsefly. The honey tasted like shit so I couldn't sell it.

So now, gentlemen, you say if I do not pay you, you will cause me trouble. Right now if it costs two cents to shit, I'd have to puke. Getting money out of me would be like trying to poke butter up a wildcat's ass with a hot trowel, but you are welcome to try.
Yours for more credit,
Max