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The best jokes and joke writers!

Spending the Night

My friend asked me, "Why are you getting a divorce?" I responded, "My wife wasn't home the entire night and in the morning she said she spent the night at her sister's house." He said, "So?" And I responded, "She's lying. I spent the night at her sister's house!"

Marriage Quotes

  • In a great romance, each person plays a part the other really likes. - Elizabeth Ashley
  • Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim Backus
  • No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. - Honore de Balzac
  • Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. - Ray Bandy
  • Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. - Baskins
  • I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting. - Milton Berle, when called to the microphone at the 2nd Annual Comedians Hall of Fame Inductions
  • Love: a temporary insanity often curable by marriage. - Ambrose Bierce
  • The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity. - Ambrose Bierce
  • I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette
  • Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. - Borge
  • In the blithe days of honeymoon, With Kate's allurements smitten, I lov'd her late, I lov'd her soon, And call'd her dearest kitten.But now my kitten's grown a cat, And cross like other wives. O! By my soul my honest Mat, I fear she has nine lives. - James Boswell "Life of Johnson"
  • A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle. - Boudelaire
  • For a male and female to live continuously together is...biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural condition. - Robert Briffault
  • My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her. - Lenny Bruce
  • Never tell. Not if you love your wife... In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya." This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay on Top of Me Or I'll Die.' I didn't know what I was gonna do..." - Lenny Bruce
  • Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back. - Al Bundy
  • Nothing says lovin' like marrying your cousin! - Al Bundy
  • Once a boy becomes a man, he's a man all his life, but a woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife. - Al Bundy
  • I hate work. That's why I got married. - Peg Bundy
  • I just want what every married woman wants, someone besides her husband to sleep with. - Peg Bundy
  • The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong. - Archie Bunker
  • In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved. - Butler
  • If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. - Chekhov
  • Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. - G. K. Chesterton
  • An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie
  • The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. - S. T. Coleridge

The Geography of Men And Women

The Geography of a Woman;

  • Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
  • Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
  • Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
  • Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
  • Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatroled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
  • Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).
  • After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man

  • Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.

Divorced Barbie

A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it is his daughter's birthday and that he hasn't bought her anything.

Out the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall. Knowing it was "now or never", he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall. After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of a shop assistant.

When asked what he would like, he simply says "a Barbie doll". The shop assistant looks at him in the particularly condescending manner that only shop assistants can muster up and asks "Which Barbie would that be, sir?" The man looks surprised so the assistant continues  "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie dates BaddTeddy for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Night Clubbing for $19.95, Cyber Barbie for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $265.00" The man can't help himself and asks "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the other Barbies are selling for $19.95?" "That's obvious!" says the assistant, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....

Crap Day

I had such a crap day. First my ex got run over by a bus.

Then I got fired from my job as a bus driver. Ugh.