Cuckoo Clock

Just after I got married, I decided to have a night with "the boys." I told the missus that I would be home by midnight... promise! Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 AM full as a boot, I went home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning the missus asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. Whew! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'shit,' cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat, and cuckooed twice then giggled."

An Arkansas Divorce

The Arkansas lad was obviously deeply troubled.  "Why so glum, Chum?", asked the kindly stranger.  "If my parents get divorced...will they still be brother and sister?"

Bejewelled Portrait

Mrs. Whembleton decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant." "But, Madam, you are not wearing any of those things." "True enough," said Mrs. Whembleton. "If I should pre-decease my dear husband I know he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go stark raving mad looking for the jewelry!"