His Last Wishes

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been. "Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace." "What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked. "The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably." "The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral ' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending." "And the third envelope?" asked her friends. "The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.' Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said "So, do you like my stone?" showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.

Good News At Work

A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat. . . .Says He: "I'm sorry honey but I'm up to my neck in work today" Says She: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear." Says He: "OK darling, but since I've got no time now, just give me the good news, OK?" Says She: "Well, the air bag works..."

Crazy Woman

A wild-eyed and butt-ugly old woman walked into a crowded bar in downtown Washington, DC waving a pistol. She yelled out, "I have a Kimber 1911 with seven rounds in the mag and one in the chamber. I want to know who's been sleeping with my husband!" 
A female voice from the back of the room yelled back at her, "You're gonna' need more ammo Hillary!"