Nagging Wife

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.

Half-Bird

Getting fed up of my girlfriend's speech impediment. She asked me to thaw the chicken that was in the freezer, then got pissed off when I cut it in half.

Home Early

Just arrived home early from work and saw some thieving bastard that had been trying to break into my house
....he managed to escape by hopping over the neighbor's gardens...
I'm proud of my wife though, she must have put up some fight because she's half-naked, covered in sweat and can hardly walk.