Half-Bird

Getting fed up of my girlfriend's speech impediment. She asked me to thaw the chicken that was in the freezer, then got pissed off when I cut it in half.

Home Early

Just arrived home early from work and saw some thieving bastard that had been trying to break into my house
....he managed to escape by hopping over the neighbor's gardens...
I'm proud of my wife though, she must have put up some fight because she's half-naked, covered in sweat and can hardly walk.

Job For Mom

In the old country, it is a custom for women to enter virginal and sexually ignorant into marriages arranged by their parents. In one particular case, an attractive young maid, from a very poor family was wed to a well-off, but relatively unattractive businessman. When the wedding night finally came, the couple, at the bride's insistence, stayed in a hotel near her families home. Early in the evening, the bride came rushing through the door. "Mother, Mother!" cried the girl, "He says that we should sleep together!" "It's alright, girl, married people sleep together. Now go back before he starts to worry about you." "Oh," said the girl, and returned to her husband who had already begun to disrobe. When she saw his hairy chest, she went running back to her mother. "Mother, Mother, he is taking off his clothes, and he is covered in hair!" "It's alright girl, men have hair on their bodies, don't let it bother you... Now, get back their before he starts wondering about you." When she returns, she finds the man naked for the first time, and sees that he had part of his right foot amputated. She flees, in fright, back to mom. "Mother, mother, he only has a foot and a half!" "Stand back, girl!" says the mother, "This is a job for a real woman!"