Wedding Toasts

• Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.
• Marriage is a ceremony that turns your dreamboat into a barge.
• Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.
• Marriage is a rest period between romances.
• Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
• Marriage is a trip between Niagra Falls and Reno.
• Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
• Marriage is better when both the husband and wife decide that what they have is better than what they are missing.
• Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...
• Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
• Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
• Marriage is like a violin. After the music is over, you still have the strings.
• Marriage is mind over matter; if the husband doesn't mind, it doesn't matter...
• Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
• Marriage is the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented.
• Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
• Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
• Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
• Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really preferred.
• Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
• Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
• Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
• Marriage still confers one very special privilege: only a married person can get divorced.
• Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, so are thunder and lightning.
• A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt; short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.
• A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party.
• A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
• A good husband is one who thinks almost as much of his wife as he does of himself.
• A good woman is like a good bar: liquor in the front and poker in the rear.
• A honeymoon should be like a table. Four bare legs and no drawers.
• A husband expects his wife to be perfect... and to understand why he's not.

Abe Lincoln

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?" "Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life." "But you look like Abe Lincoln," protested the barkeep. "That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

Strange Robbery

Jim had been out on the town with a dazzling blonde, and he was returning home as the rosy tints of dawn began to color the skies. Marshaling all his inner resources, he managed an air of sobriety and dignity before the suspicious eye and wagging tongue of his wife. Suddenly, as he was undressing, she punctuated her harangue with a sharp, gasping intake of air. "Jimmy," she asked through tightly clenched teeth, "Just where are your underwear?" Bleakly, Jimmy perceived through the fog in his mind, that his boxer shorts were indeed missing. Just then, inspiration stuck. "My God!" he cried with aggrieved dismay. "I've been robbed!"