On Divorce

• Divorce is bachelorhood, with strings attached. 
• Tis better to have loved and lost, than have to live with the bitch the rest of my life.
• What do you call a woman without an asshole? Divorced.
• My ex-wife is like a good laxative.  She irritates the shit out of you.
• Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
• Divorce is having your genitals torn off through your wallet. - Robin Williams
• Love is grand. Divorce is at least 20 grand.
• When I got divorced, my wife and I split the house. I got the outside and she got the inside.
• Of all the new weight loss programs and exercise videos available, divorce is still the most effective. Where else can you get rid of 205 pounds in a quick 90 days?
• Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. - Ambrose Pierce
• When does a woman stop masturbating? After the divorce is finalized.
• Says Jim after the divorce was finally settled, "Eh, I didn't care for some of her habits... I mean, she was a slob! Every time I went to take a piss, she always had dirty dishes laying there in the sink!
• Two guys are talking in a bar. The first one says, "My ex-wives were great housekeepers. The first one kept the house, the second one kept the house...."
• What do tornadoes and marriage have in common? At first, there's a lot of blowing and sucking. Then when it's over, your whole house is gone.
• I blame my divorce on my ex-husband's calculating mind. He put two and two together.
• How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly? When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.
• What is the difference between Saddam Hussein and your ex-wife's lawyer? Compared with the lawyer's demands, Hussein's are reasonable.
• There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.

Anniversary Flowers

A sad-faced Doug walked into a flower shop early one morning. The clerk was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, based on the look on Doug's face, but soon realized his assumption was wrong as Doug asked for a basket of flowers sent to his wife for their anniversary. "And what day will that be?" the clerk asked. Glumly he replied, "Yesterday".

Memory Tricks

Asked my girlfriend about the biggest erection she'd ever seen.
She had to think long and hard.