Cooking Eggs

A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in. Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror. "Be careful! CAREFUL! Add more butter! Oh, my GOSH!" The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.
"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!" The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state, forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs. "WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!" The wife runs to the fridge.
"CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the EGGS!"
At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do. She gasps, "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs."
The husband simply smiles and replies, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car," and leaves.

How Many Times

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. "C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"
"Baby, " he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit."
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her husband to tell her.
"Okay," he said, then started to count on his fingers "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen....."

That Time Again

A highway patrolman wanted to set up a speed trap one day.  He got up on a hill behind a big billboard and sat.  He was there for about ten minutes with no radar action. Finally a car came by doing 85 M.P.H.  He put on the blue light and pulled the car over.  He said, "Sir, do realize you were doing 85 MPH?"  The driver said "Yeah, but ya' see, it's that time of the month for the Mrs. and I gotta get her some tampons."  The officer was sympathetic.  He just said, "How about slowing it down."  So the guy sped off.  A few minutes later, another car came by running 85 MPH  The officer gave him the blue light to.  Again, the same scenario.  The officer said "Sir, do you realize you were doing 85 MPH?"  The guy had the same story.  "Yes sir, but you see, it's that time of the month for the wife and I gotta get her some tampons."  This pissed the officer off but he couldn't give this guy a ticket and not the last one.  He said, "Just slow it down."  No sooner than he got back up in his speed trap, here comes another guy doing 95 mph. The officer put the blue light on, pulled him over and walked up to the window.  He looked at the guy and said, "Dammit, don't tell me it's that time of the month for your wife too!"  The guy responded, "No sir, that's just barbecue sauce."