How Many Times

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. "C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"
"Baby, " he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit."
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her husband to tell her.
"Okay," he said, then started to count on his fingers "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen....."

That Time Again

A highway patrolman wanted to set up a speed trap one day.  He got up on a hill behind a big billboard and sat.  He was there for about ten minutes with no radar action. Finally a car came by doing 85 M.P.H.  He put on the blue light and pulled the car over.  He said, "Sir, do realize you were doing 85 MPH?"  The driver said "Yeah, but ya' see, it's that time of the month for the Mrs. and I gotta get her some tampons."  The officer was sympathetic.  He just said, "How about slowing it down."  So the guy sped off.  A few minutes later, another car came by running 85 MPH  The officer gave him the blue light to.  Again, the same scenario.  The officer said "Sir, do you realize you were doing 85 MPH?"  The guy had the same story.  "Yes sir, but you see, it's that time of the month for the wife and I gotta get her some tampons."  This pissed the officer off but he couldn't give this guy a ticket and not the last one.  He said, "Just slow it down."  No sooner than he got back up in his speed trap, here comes another guy doing 95 mph. The officer put the blue light on, pulled him over and walked up to the window.  He looked at the guy and said, "Dammit, don't tell me it's that time of the month for your wife too!"  The guy responded, "No sir, that's just barbecue sauce."

On Divorce

• Divorce is bachelorhood, with strings attached. 
• Tis better to have loved and lost, than have to live with the bitch the rest of my life.
• What do you call a woman without an asshole? Divorced.
• My ex-wife is like a good laxative.  She irritates the shit out of you.
• Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
• Divorce is having your genitals torn off through your wallet. - Robin Williams
• Love is grand. Divorce is at least 20 grand.
• When I got divorced, my wife and I split the house. I got the outside and she got the inside.
• Of all the new weight loss programs and exercise videos available, divorce is still the most effective. Where else can you get rid of 205 pounds in a quick 90 days?
• Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. - Ambrose Pierce
• When does a woman stop masturbating? After the divorce is finalized.
• Says Jim after the divorce was finally settled, "Eh, I didn't care for some of her habits... I mean, she was a slob! Every time I went to take a piss, she always had dirty dishes laying there in the sink!
• Two guys are talking in a bar. The first one says, "My ex-wives were great housekeepers. The first one kept the house, the second one kept the house...."
• What do tornadoes and marriage have in common? At first, there's a lot of blowing and sucking. Then when it's over, your whole house is gone.
• I blame my divorce on my ex-husband's calculating mind. He put two and two together.
• How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly? When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.
• What is the difference between Saddam Hussein and your ex-wife's lawyer? Compared with the lawyer's demands, Hussein's are reasonable.
• There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.