You Get The Ring Back

Q: What`s the difference between engagement and hemorrhoids?
A: When the hemorrhoids are over you at least get the ring back.

Lawyer's Good News And Bad News

A wealthy man sat in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" The lawyer asked. "Give me the bad news first." "Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars." "That's the bad news?" The man asked incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news." "It's of you and your mistress."

Pig Purchase

Mike Mooney, a Yankee, was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100 pound pig. The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said, "This one will go a little over a 100."
Astonished the Yankee said, "Who are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way."
The farmer laughed and called to his young son, "Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man." The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth.
Turning to his father the boy said, "This here pig weighs about 100 pounds." The Yankee was having no part of this so in order to convince him the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay the son returned and said, "Ma says she will be right down after she's finished weighing the mailman".