Beyond Impotent

Doctor, my husband is 300% impotent. "I'm not quite sure what you mean. Could you elaborate?" "Well, the first part you can imagine, but he also burned his tongue and broke his finger."

FIFA World Cup Condoms

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of FIFA World Cup condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. When he arrives home, he tells his wife about the purchase he's just made. "FIFA World Cup condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There are three colors," he explains, "gold, silver and bronze." "So what color are you gonna wear tonight?" she asks with a grin. "Gold of course," says the proud man. The wife responds, "Why don't you wear silver -- it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

Moving Out

My missus packed my bags and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"  "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!”