Valentines, Redneck Style
Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales, but I luv you anyway.
You're as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop right out of the can.
You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven, I'm plumb outta my wits.
And speakin' of wits, you've got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you married me back in '74.
Still them fellers at work they all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape, yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles and stick 'em in the can.
Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger named Naomi Judd.
Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no far ant upon which I oft' tread.
Cut from the best pattern like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life like a Rattletrap shad.
When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.
And when you get old like a '57 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie, with a RC cold drank,
We go together like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day
They git it at Wal-Mart It's romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day,
From the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these will not do.
For you are too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odour,
Better than diamonds, it's a new trollin' motor
Redneck Computer Terms
- Backup - What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.
- Bar code - Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern.
- Bug - The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick.
- Byte - What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.
- Cache - Needed when you go to da store.
- Chip - Yer cusin's uncle's mother's boyfriend's name.
- Terminal - Time to call da undertaker.
- Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
- Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
- Diskette - A female Disco dancer.
- Hacker - Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.
- Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
- Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
- Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
- Mac - Big Bob's favorite fast food.
- Megahertz - How your head feels after seventeen beers.
- Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.
- Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
- Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.
- Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.
- Rom - Where the pope lives.
- Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
- Serial port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
- Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
- Scsi - What you call your week-old underwear.
Newly Married Hillbillies
A newly married hillbilly couple decided they wanted children, but didn't know how to go about it. Questions and conversations with friends and relatives proved no help, until a neighbor said they should go to town and ask the Big City Doctor. The doctor let them look at a child's book about where babies came from, but to no avail. He tried his own explanation but was met with blank stares. Exasperated, he took them to his private office, and showed them a porno movie. This was also useless. Angrily, he ordered the girl to strip, told the man to watch, and had sex with her on the couch. ''Now, do you understand?'' he asked. ''I just have one question. How many times a week do I have to bring her in for this?''
A hillbilly husband died and left everything to his wife. He put a provision in his will, though, that she couldn't touch any of it until she turned 14.
Q: How do you circumcise a redneck?
A: You kick his sister in the chin!