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The best jokes and joke writers!

Redneck

Q: How do you circumcise a redneck?

A: You kick his sister in the chin!

Dinner Plans

Tonight we’re having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner

We found Himalayan in the road.

Southern Comments

Exclamations:

  • "Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
  • "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

Threats:

  • "I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style."
  • "This'll jar your preserves."
  • "Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"

Good Things & Compliments:

  • "Cute as a sack full of puppies."
  • "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
  • "Gooder than grits."

The Weather:

  • "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
  • "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
  • Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

Descriptions:

  • A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
  • When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."
  • If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
  • "He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."
  • A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

Insults:

  • "She's uglier than homemade soap."
  • "Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"
  • "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
  • "Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
  • "The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"
  • Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart." Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."

Mountain Men and Loose Women

Two old friends from the mountains ran into each other at the local bar. One said, "Heard ya went to the big city Jeb." His friend replied, "Yep. Even tried me out one of those 'loose women' ya always hear about." "You don't say."  said the first man. "Bet that was costly." "Nope." Jeb smirked. "Kinfolk." 

Redneck Driving

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey there up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?", asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."