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The best jokes and joke writers!

Redneck Gets Married

This redneck gets married, but on his wedding night he doesn't know what to do. He's fumbling around for a while, but finally his wife gets fed up and says, "Jeb, ya big idiot! Yer s'pposed to take that thing you play with and put it where I pee!"

So he got his bowling ball and threw it in the outhouse!

On The Side

Q: What do you call a redneck's mistress.

A: A second cousin.

Arkansas Governor Application

Arkansas Governor Application First name:___________________
Last name (if known):_______________________
Address (where you live): Mother's name(list also relation, i.e., sister):__________________
Birthdate (yours):____________________
Father's name (if known, if not, list two possible choices)______________
Color of neck: Light Red( ) Medium Red( ) Dark Red( ) No Neck( )Year of pickup truck:____________
Do you have the following in your truck: Fuzzy Dice( ) Gun Rack( ) Coon Tail( ) Filled ash tray( ) Used Condoms( ) Dead Road Kill( ) Dog of Unknown Breed( )Have you ever been to a large city? (Like Little Rock) Yes( ) No( )How far can you throw cow pies?__________
Do you eat cow pies? Yes( ) No( )Wife's name:__________________
Is she: Cousin( ) Neighbor( ) Sister( ) Mother( ) Neighbor's dog( ) Right hand( )Does your wife weigh: Less than 200 Pounds( ) Less than 300 Pounds( ) Less than a 747( ) More than a 747( )Do you know what a 747 is? Yes( ) No( )How much smarter than you is your wife: 50 IQ Points( ) 75 IQ Points( ) 100 IQ Points( ) She Won't Tell Me( )Does your wife wear: A Dress( ) Pants( ) Hot Pants( ) Your Pants( ) Them Lawyer Clothes( ) Nothing( ) Nothing but an Arkansas U Hog Head Hat( )Color of wife's hair: Blonde( ) Red( ) Brown( ) Black( ) Bald( )Did you understand the previous questions: Yes( ) No( ) What does "previous" mean?( ) Huh?( ) All of the Above( )Have you ever had: Herpes( ) Jock Rot( ) The Drip( ) Roids( ) Zits( )(Check all that apply) Ear Wax( ) Long Nasal Hairs( ) Brown Nose( )Have you ever: Castrated a Pig( ) Been Castrated by a Pig( ) Danced to Achey Breaky Heart( ) Had an Achey Breaky Heart( ) Been Mistaken for Elvis( ) Had Fantasies about Toto( ) Had Fantasies about Dorothy and Toto( ) Had Fantasies about Gilligan( ) Had Fantasies about Gilligan and the Skipper Too( ) Inhaled( )
Where was your last Elvis sighting?________________
On what date?___________
Can you count past five: Yes( ) No( )
Past ten: Yes( ) No( )
Explain in ten words or less why on Earth you want to be Governor of Arkansas:
Signature (or 'X' if you can't write)________________________________

Alabama Foreplay

Q: What do you call foreplay in Alabama?

A: Hey sis, you awake?

Southern Comments

Exclamations:

  • "Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
  • "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

Threats:

  • "I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style."
  • "This'll jar your preserves."
  • "Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"

Good Things & Compliments:

  • "Cute as a sack full of puppies."
  • "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
  • "Gooder than grits."

The Weather:

  • "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
  • "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
  • Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

Descriptions:

  • A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
  • When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."
  • If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
  • "He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."
  • A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

Insults:

  • "She's uglier than homemade soap."
  • "Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"
  • "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
  • "Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
  • "The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"
  • Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart." Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."