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The best jokes and joke writers!

Grandpa's Safe Sex

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around. Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?" Grandpa replies, "Nope." Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?" Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."


An elderly man decided it was time to move on. He packed his stuff and moved into a retirement home. On his first day there, as he was unpacking his stuff into his room, he could help but notice that the woman in the room across the hall was staring at him. He thought it was odd but decided not to let it bother him.

Later that night, he went to the cafeteria to get dinner. He sat down at his table and, lo and behold, the woman from the hallway was sitting at the table next to him! There was no food on her table. She just sat there staring at him with fixed eyes. The man grew increasingly annoyed but didn't say anything.

After a scrumptious meal, he went to the lunge to play nightly bingo. He was enjoying the game until he noticed the woman again, staring at him. He had had enough.

He went up to her and said, "Ma'am, I couldn't help noticing that you have been staring at me ever since I arrived. Could you please stop, it is a bit bothersome."

She replied, "I am sorry, it is just that you look so much like my third husband!"

The man felt bad. "I'm sorry. If you don't mind me asking, how many husbands have you had?"

"Two." Was the woman's reply.

Let Me See

A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30. He is persuaded to have a medical exam first. "Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I'm sexually fit," he says to the doctor. "Okay," says the medic, "let me see your sex organs." So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger.

How Older Guys Pick Up Chicks

I'm not the best looking guy.  Some would say I'm a little frayed around the edges these days. But, I have a nice motorcycle, a little money and I spend most of my time casually riding from place to place.  

I met a nice looking girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us.  She did this cute little dance then immediately dropped to her knees and lay on the grass at my feet.  

As we lay there making love, I thought, "Damn, these taser guns are really worth the money!"

The Right Rhythm

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"