Yo Mama - SSN
Yo mama so old her social security number is 1!
That Rubber Thingy
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls down. As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip."
The old man snaps back, "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today!"
Found Her Hearing Aid
A rather senile old lady went to her doctor complaining of draining and a feeling of fullness in her ear. After the examination, the doctor initiated a conversation that went as follows:
D: Why madam, I think you have a suppository in your ear.
D: Madam - You have a SUPPOSITORY in your EAR!
D: (shouting) --IN YOUR EAR! --A SUPPOSITORY!!!
L: Oh, thank Goodness - now I know where I put my hearing aid!
New Hearing Aid
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Healthy Insanity for Retirement
- At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses and point a hair dryer at passing cars
- On all your check stubs, write, 'For Marijuana'
- Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get
- Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat - be serious about it
- Sing along at the opera
- When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won, I won"
- When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot while yelling, "Run for your lives! They're loose!"
- Tell your children over dinner: "Due to the economy, we're going to have to let one of you go"
- Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.
- Go to a department store fitting room and yell, "There's no toilet paper in here"