Not-So-Perfect Hearing Aid
A man is telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me $4000, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really?" answers the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "12:30."
Granny and the Cop.
An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license.
The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"
There's more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040 there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
You Know You're Middle Aged If...
- You’ve come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.
- The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car—in the “ten items or less” lane.
- You’ve stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your parents.
- You’ve found yourself discussing rain gutters.
- You remember your kid’s names, just not always the right one.
- You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street for the garbage collector.
- Your high school yearbook is now home to three different species of mold.
- You buy “age-defying” makeup and “antiwrinkle” creams and believe they work.
- You’ve realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.
- You recognize Led Zeppelin songs that have been turned into elevator music.
- As a public service, you have agreed to never appear on the beach in a Speedo again.
- You’ve had three opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic—“for the last time in a generation”
- You’d pay good money to be strip-searched.
- Wal-Mart and target seem to share your fashion sense.
- The only way you know to stop a virtual pet from beeping involves the patio and a sledgehammer.
- You can pack two suits, Five shirts, five ties, five pairs of underwear, five pairs of socks, a pair of shoes, and half of your bathroom into a carry-on bag—in less than five minutes.
- You know what Earth Shoes are.
- You think if you hear “Stairway to Heaven” one more time your head will explode.
- Your weight-lifting program seems to have no effect on your muscles, but the veins on the backs of your hands are bulking up quite nicely.
- On Saturday night, when your wife mentions “hot oil, a little friction, and squealing,” you tell her you’ll have the car looked at first thing Monday morning.
Rest Your Mind
Q: Why do baby diapers have names like "Luvs", "Huggies," and "Pampers," while undergarments for old people are called "Depends".
A: When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em, Hug'em and Pamper'em. When old people crap in their pants it "Depends" on who's in the will!