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The best jokes and joke writers!

Bums' Dirty Pants

Once upon a time there were these two bums walking down the railroad tracks, and the first bum, Fred, thought he smelled a nasty old smell. He asked his companion, Jeff, ''Did you shit your pants?'' ''Hell no,'' Jeff said. They walked a few more miles and the smell got worse. ''Did you shit your pants, Jeff?'' ''I swear to the God almighty I did not shit my pants,'' Jeff said.
So they walk three more miles and the smell gets just horrible. Fred runs over and pulls down Jeff's pants and says, ''I thought you said you didn't shit your pants?!'' ''I didn't.'' Jeff said. ''They're your pants.''

Understanding Your Paycheck

Gross pay: $1222.02

Income Tax - $244.40

Outgo Tax - $45.21

State Tax - $61.10

Interstate Tax - $5.89

County Tax - $6.11

City Tax - $12.22

Rual Tax - $4.44

Back Tax - $1.11

Front Tax - $1.16

Side tax - $1.61

Up Tax - $2.22

Down Tax - $1.11

Knickknack Tax - $1.98

Hackensack Tax - $3.93

Thumb Tax - $0.98

Carpet Tax - $0.69

Snack Tax - $8.32

Surtax - $3.46

Ma'am Tax - $3.46

Parking Fee - $5.00

No Parking Fee - $10.00

F.I.C.A. - $81.88

T.G.I.F - $9.95

Life Ins. - $5.85

Health Ins. - $16.23

Disability Ins. - $2.50

Ability Ins. - $0.25

Liability Ins. - $3.41

Dental Ins.  - $4.50

Mental Ins. - $4.33

Fundamental Ins. - $0.11

Coffee  - $6.85

Coffee Cups - $66.51

Calendar Rental - $3.06

Floor Rental - $16.85

Chair Rental - $4.32

Desk Rental - $4.32

Union Dues - $5.85

Union Don'ts - $0.77

Cash Advances - $0.69

Cash Retreats - $121.35

Overtime - $1.26

Undertime - $54.83

Eastern Time - $9.00

Central Time - $8.00

Mountain Time - $7.00

Pacific Time - $6.00

Daylight Savings Time - $4.44

Time Out - $12.21

Oxygen - $10.22

Water - $16.54

Electricity - $38.23

Heat - $51.42

Air Conditioning - $46.83

Misc. - $169.24

Total Take Home Pay = $0000.02

This is where the expression "just my 2 cents" came from.

Toothpick From the Bar

One night as a bartender is closing up his bar, he hears a knock at the back door. When he opens the door, there stands a bum who asks, "Can I have a toothpick?" The bartender gives him a toothpick and continues cleaning up his bar. Five minutes later, he hears another knock at the door. Again, there stands another bum who asks, "Can I have a toothpick?" The bartender gives him a toothpick and continues cleaning up the bar. Five minutes later, he hears another knock at the back door. This time, there's a bum asking for a straw. The owner gives him a straw, but finally asks what's going on out there. The bum replies, "Some lady threw up in the back, but all the good stuff is gone."

Blonde Robbery

A blonde walked up to a man and said, "Give me your wallet." The man said, "Okay, but give me the gun." The blonde gave him the gun and the man gave his wallet. The man used the gun to steal his wallet back.The blonde said, "You're an idiot, there's no bullets in the gun." The man replied, "You're the idiot, there's no money in the wallet."

Bums' Roadkill Meals

There were these two bums and they were hungry when they came across road kill. The first bum went down to eat it when he looked up at his friend and said, "Oh I'm sorry, would you like some?" He replied, "No I think I'll wait." So they continue down the road and the first bum said, "Look - some more road kill, I'm still hungry. How about you?" His friend replied, "No, not yet, I think I'll wait." The first bum ate the road kill. Shortly after, his eyes rolled back and he puked the whole thing back up on the street. Seconds later, his friend dove in and ate every last slickery drop of the puke. The first bum said, "I thought you weren't hungry?" His friend replied, "I was always hungry, I just wanted a warm meal."