Little Johnny and the School Play
Little Johnny tried out for the school play. The teacher gave him these lines to practice: "Hark! A pistol shot! There lies a lady with hope in her soul. I think I'll snatch a kiss and run into the forest. By William Shakespeare. "Little Johnny practiced and practiced and did the lines perfectly every time. The night of the play it was his turn to speak. This is what he said: "Hark! A pigeon shit! There lies a lady with soap in her hole. I think I'll kiss her snatch and run into the forest. By William Snakeshit... Horseshit... Oh, shit! I didn't want to be in this damn play anyway!"
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, Mommy?" "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
Little Johnny and the Newborn Baby
Little Johnny's next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Johnny's parents were afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby, so his dad pulled Johnny aside before going to the neighbors. He said "Now, son, that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home." "I promise not to mention his ears at all!" said Little Johnny. At the neighbors home, Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at the newborn's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The mother said, "Thank you very much, Johnny." He then said, "Your baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say that he can see good?" The Mother said "Why yes, Johnny, his doctor said he has 20/20 vision." Looking relieved, Johnny said "Well, its a darn good thing, cause he sure couldn't wear glasses!"
A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.' He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R." The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?" Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R." Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?" Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E." "Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?" Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."
Little Johnny Grounded
Little Johnny's friend calls to invite him over, but little Johnny says, "I can't, I'm grounded." His friend asks, "Why?" and he replies, "My mom called me a son of a bitch, and I said, 'Yup, you got that right.'"