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The best jokes and joke writers!

Four Phrase Homework

One day, after school was over, a teacher walked up to one of her students. For a school assignment she asked him to find four phrases, write them down then give them back to her the next day. So, the student reached home and asked his mom if she had a phrase. "Shut up!" exclaimed the mom. Next, the student went to his brother and asked if he had a phrase. "Bada bada BATMAN!" laughed the brother. Next, the student went to the neighborhood janitor and asked if he had a phrase. "Garbage, garbage, garbage, nothing but garbage all day long!" complained the janitor. Finally for his final phrase the student asked the town baker if he had a phrase. "My buns are burning, my buns are burning!" shouted the baker. The next day at school the student waltzed up to his teacher's desk. "Do you have your four phrases?" asked the Teacher. "Shut up!" shouted the student. The teacher felling very hurt asked, "Who do you think you are!?" "Bada bada BATMAN" laughed the student. "What are you getting out of all this school?" asked the teacher. "Garbage, garbage, garbage, nothing but garbage all day long!" Then the teacher spanked the student and he went around yelling "MY BUNS ARE BURNING MY BUNS ARE BURNING!"

Get out of Bed

A woman realizes her son has not yet gotten out of bed for school. She goes into his bedroom and tells him to get up or he will miss breakfast. "No," the son replies. "I don't wanna go to school!" "You HAVE to go to school," the mother scolds. "No! The kids are mean to me, the teachers don't like me, and the lunches are icky." "You WILL go to school, young man," the mother warns. "Why? Why do I have to go to school today?" the son asks. The mother is about to lose her patience. "Because you're the principal, now get out of bed!"

Biggest Liar

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?" One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie." "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was!" The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

Act Your Age

A 6'4'' ninth grader was acting up in class. His teacher looked at him and said, ''Act your age, not your shoe size.'' The boy looks down at his size 14 shoes, then says, ''But they're the same.''

Excuse Notes to Teachers

*** These are actual excuse notes teachers have received, spelling mistakes included.

  • My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
  • Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
  • Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
  • Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
  • Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
  • John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
  • Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
  • Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
  • Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
  • Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
  • Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
  • Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
  • Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
  • I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
  • Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
  • Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
  • My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
  • Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
  • Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
  • Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.