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The best jokes and joke writers!

Irish Heaven

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" "NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the grass, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?" Again, the answer was "NO!"

"If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?" Again, they all answered, "NO!"

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

A little boy shouted out, "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD."

Potty Training

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet.  His mother thinks he's been in the bathroom too long, so she goes in to see what's up.  The little boy is sitting on the toilet looking at pictures in a book.  About every 15 seconds, he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on the top of his head with his right hand.  His mother is amused but can't figure out why he's doing it.  She asks, "Why are you hitting yourself on the head?"  The boy answered, "It works for ketchup."

 

Excuse Notes to Teachers

*** These are actual excuse notes teachers have received, spelling mistakes included.

  • My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
  • Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
  • Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
  • Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
  • Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
  • John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
  • Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
  • Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
  • Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
  • Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
  • Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
  • Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
  • Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
  • I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
  • Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
  • Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
  • My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
  • Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
  • Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
  • Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

The Answer!

One day at kindergarten, a teacher said to the class of 5-year old's, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived." An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct." Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either." Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2." As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business!"

Four Phrase Homework

One day, after school was over, a teacher walked up to one of her students. For a school assignment she asked him to find four phrases, write them down then give them back to her the next day. So, the student reached home and asked his mom if she had a phrase. "Shut up!" exclaimed the mom. Next, the student went to his brother and asked if he had a phrase. "Bada bada BATMAN!" laughed the brother. Next, the student went to the neighborhood janitor and asked if he had a phrase. "Garbage, garbage, garbage, nothing but garbage all day long!" complained the janitor. Finally for his final phrase the student asked the town baker if he had a phrase. "My buns are burning, my buns are burning!" shouted the baker. The next day at school the student waltzed up to his teacher's desk. "Do you have your four phrases?" asked the Teacher. "Shut up!" shouted the student. The teacher felling very hurt asked, "Who do you think you are!?" "Bada bada BATMAN" laughed the student. "What are you getting out of all this school?" asked the teacher. "Garbage, garbage, garbage, nothing but garbage all day long!" Then the teacher spanked the student and he went around yelling "MY BUNS ARE BURNING MY BUNS ARE BURNING!"