A man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in New York one November day. The father says to the son, "I hate to tell you, but we've got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can't stand each other anymore, and we're getting a divorce. I've had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I'm telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn't go into shock later when I move out." He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hamptons and tells her the news. The sister says, "I'll handle this." She calls Florida and says to her father, "Don't do ANYTHING till we get there! We?'ll be there Wednesday night." The father agrees, "All right." The old man hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?"
Mom's Thanksgiving Brownie Recipe
Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Charlie "no, no."
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
Take shortening can away from Charlie and clean floor.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Charlie again and wash the cat's tail.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.
Take telephone away from Charlie and assure 911 operator the call was a mistake.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan. Bake 25 minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from Charlie.
Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn.
Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.
Frosting: Mix the following in saucepan:
1 cup sugar1 oz unsweetened chocolate1/4 cup margarine.
Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% oven and throw it away -- far away.
Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman who was responding to the earlier 911 call that you didn't know Charlie had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street.
Put Charlie in playpen.
Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Charlie having knocked down their holiday display. Promise to pay for broken lights and ornaments.
Tie Charlie to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven.
Black Friday Line Talk
A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are waiting to check-out in a long Black Friday line and begin bragging about the size of their families. "I have four boys and my wife is expecting another," says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team." "That's nothing," says the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son, and I'll have a football team." "That's nothing," says the Mormon. "I have 17 wives. One more wife, and I'll have a golf course."
Chicken Cross the Road
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to Thanksgiving dinner.
Q: Which side of a turkey has the most feathers?
A: The outside.