For The Holidays
Let's name your legs. The right one is Thanksgiving and the left one is Christmas. Can I come between the holidays?
End of the Line
Q: What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
A: The letter "g"
What to Wear
Q: What should you wear to Thanksgiving dinner?
A: A har-vest!
You'll be so fat after Thanksgiving the only thing stopping you from going to the gym is the doorframe.
Change the Course of Thanksgiving
- During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing."
- When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to say anything more.
- Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake
- Prepare a several hour long speech to give when asked about your thankfulness. If necessary, insist that no one leave or eat until you have finished the speech.
- Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. Request that she bring photos.