Steven Wright

• I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.
• I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
• I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!
• All of the people in my building are insane.The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... With a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." While I was gone, somebody rearranged all the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in *exactly* the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"
• In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
• Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... It feels real."
• In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... So I never have to go upstairs.

Not Again

I took my four year old granddaughter to the hospital to see her new baby sister. She didn't want anything to do with her. As we were leaving I asked her if she wanted to see the babies in the nursery so I held her up to the window . There was another new born in the same place where her baby sister had been earlier . She looked at me and said "Oh no! Not again!"

Up and Down

Q: What's evil and ugly and goes up and down all day?
A: A witch stuck in a lift!