Docents

I’m a Docent at a museum, and when I told a group that the fossil they were looking at was 65 million years and 3 weeks old, they asked me where the 3 weeks came from.
I said well it was 65 million years old when I was hired here, and that was 3 weeks ago.

Rejected Hallmark Cards

Rejected Hallmark Cards:
So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... Look at the bright side, she's a really good lay.
My tire was thumping... I thought it was flat... when I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat... Sorry.
You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.
You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.
Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be... But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.
Your computer is dead... it was once so alive. Don't you regret installing Windows 95?
You totalled your car... and can't remember why... could it have been... that case of Bud Dry?

Health Club Membership

Several members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director of the group said, "Now, I'd like each of you to describe your daily routine." Each member spoke, and shared their good and bad habits. Then one obviously overweight member said, "I eat moderately, I drink moderately and I exercise frequently." "Hmm…" said the director. "And are you sure you have nothing else to add?" "Well, yes," said the member. "I lie extensively."