Until Twelve

I was twelve before I realized I could cough without having a doctor hold my balls!

I'd Love To But... (Pt III)

More goofy excuses you can use to get out of going somewhere you just don't wanna go to. I'D LOVE TO BUT:

• I have to go to court for kitty littering.
• I have to jog my memory.
• I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
• I have to rotate my crops.
• I have to sit up with a sick ant.
• I have to stay home and see if I snore.
• I have to study for a blood test.
• I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
• I prefer to remain an enigma.
• I think you want the OTHER (fill in your name here).
• I'm going to be old someday.
• I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
• I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.
• I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
• I'm trying to cut down.
• I'm up to my eardrums in waxy buildup.
• I've been traded to Cincinnati.
• My Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
• Mmy favorite commercial is on TV.
• My uncle escaped... again.
• Oooo, having fun gives me prickly heat.

A Captain's Red Shirt

The first mate asks the ship captain why he always wears a red shirt to fight off pirates. The captain replies, "It keeps the men brave. If I get wounded, you won't see the blood, and you'll keep on fighting." The next day, a fleet of pirate ships appear on the horizon. The first mate says, "Get me my brown pants!"