Ads & Newspapers

These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.

FOR SALE:

LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50

NORDIC TRACK $300 - HARDLY USED - CALL CHUBBIE at: BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING - "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS" SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!" PRESIDENT'S CHOICE - COW MANURE - 2 33lb bags - $5

HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

NICE PARACHUTE - NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE - SLIGHTLY STAINED

Q: What do you call a laughing motorcycle?

A: 'Yamahahaha'

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under you vehicle... From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day. Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested the reporters to omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers. A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following: "The minister told a number of stories that cannot be published." 

Top George Bush Slogans

• I'll turn capital punishment into a new game show!
• I promise to get cocaine off our streets: 1 kilo at a time.
• I'll finish what Bill started -- the interns.
• Like father, like son. You liked my dad, right?
• Vote for the GOP, Not OPP.
• I promise no sex scandal: just look at me.
• New penal plan: I won't use mine!
• Read my lips: Al Gore Sucks.
• George W. Bush: No hang-ups. Just hangovers
• Vote for Bush and against Common Sense.