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The best jokes and joke writers!

Signs and Notices 02

These are supposedly actual signs that have been found in and around parts of England.

Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME.

Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER.

Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.

Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS.

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

Women Seeking Men: The Truth

"WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds

40-ish means: 48.

Adventurer means: Has had more partners than you ever will.

Affectionate means: Possessive.

Artist means: Unreliable.

Average looking means: You figure this one out.

Beautiful means: Pathological liar.

Commitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now!

Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewise.

Contagious Smile means: Bring your penicillin.

Educated means: College drop-out.

Emotionally Secure means: Medicated.

Employed means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home.

Enjoys art and opera means: Snob.

Enjoys Nature means: Bring your own granola.

Exotic Beauty means: Would frighten a Martian.

Financially Secure means: One paycheck from the street.

Free spirit means: Substance abuser.

Friendship first means: Trying to live down reputation as slut.

Fun means: Annoying.

Gentle means: Comatose.

Good Listener means: Hard to pull a word from her.

Humorous means: Caustic.

Intuitive means: Your opinion doesn't count.

In Transition means: Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills.

Light drinker means: Lush.

Looks younger means: If viewed from far away in bad light.

Loves Travel means: If you're paying.

Loves Animals means: Cat lady.

Non-traditional means: Ex-husband lives in the basement.

Open-minded means: Desperate.

Outgoing means: Loud.

Passionate means: Loud.

Poet means: Depressive Schizophrenic.

Redhead means: Shops on the Clairol aisle.

Reliable means: Frumpy.

Reubenesque means: You can figure this one out.

Romantic means: Looks better by candle light.

Self-employed means: Jobless.

Smart means: Insipid.

Special means: Rode the small school bus w/ tinted windows.

Spiritual means: Involved with a cult.

Stable means: Boring.

Tall, thin means: Anorexic.

Tan means: Wrinkled.

Wants Soul mate means: One step away from stalking.

Widow means: Nagged first husband to death.

Writer means: Pompous.

Young at heart means: How about the rest.

Real Classified Ads 02

These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.

FOR SALE:

LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50

NORDIC TRACK $300 - HARDLY USED - CALL CHUBBIE at: BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING - "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS" SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!" PRESIDENT'S CHOICE - COW MANURE - 2 33lb bags - $5

HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

NICE PARACHUTE - NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE - SLIGHTLY STAINED

Cows News

Q: What do cows read in the morning?

A: The daily moos!

Hidden Meaning

Energetic self-starter: You'll be working on commission.

Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.

Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this.

Fast learner: You will get no training from us.

Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours.

Good organizational skills: You'll be handling the filing.

Make an investment in you future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme.

Management training position: You'll be a salesperson with a wide territory.

Much client contact: You handle the phone or make "cold calls" on clients.

Must have reliable transportation: You will be required to break speed limits.

Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors.

Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work.

Planning and coordination: You book the bosses travel arrangements.

Quick problem solver: You will work on projects months behind schedule already.

Strong communication skills: You will write tons of documentation and letters.