Personals Ad: "Physician, 35 - Desires to meet that special woman with real inner beauty. Send X- rays to: Dr. Mellonchop, BOX 67."
Speakers for a Sociopath
Are you single? Family and friend free? Scorned by your neighbors? Now you can be! Alienate them completely by playing your shitty mixtape at full volume all the fucking time.
Sick of the neighbor kid who plays the same shitty top-40 R&B mix tape every morning at 6 when she (or he, I'm not sexist) wakes up for school? Fulfill your fantasies of becoming a modern day Marquis de Sade and blast Canadian Superstar Raffi's hit single, Bananaphone, straight through their skulls at 3AM until they beg for mercy.
For the budding sociopath in you, I present the most unreasonable speakers ever to live in a New York City walk up apartment: the Acoustic Research P428 PS'sesses's.
With a classy black ash vinyl veneer, chipped in some corners, these speakers will lend an air of dumpster-chic to your hovel. Featuring a 4-way design, these babies have a soft dome tweeter that I have completely resisted pushing in. The mid-range and woofer cones are in remarkably good shape. I assume that they sold their soul to the devil. At the bottom, each MDF monolith features an integrated, rear-firing subwoofer with built in amp. When you turn them on, a red led by the tweeter turns green, telling you to go. Just go. You don't want to be near these things unless you hate your eardrums.
Have I mentioned that they are loud? They are. Do not set anything fragile anywhere near them. Fuck these speakers.
Why am I getting rid of them, you ask?
They're cramping my style, man. These things take up the valuable space I need to lounge naked on my floor, drinking sherry, and ignoring my love child like a modern day Oscar Wilde as I listen to bands you haven't heard of yet at an appropriately sensitive volume.
Cash sale only. No exceptions. If you're the kind of person who wants these speakers, you're probably not the kind of person I would like to interact with for long. Because I'm a douche. And so are you.
If you're not a haggling, sentient bag of dicks, I have an older Yamaha amp that I will give or sell you for cheap. I don't need it no more, ya hear?
Edit: Holy shit, $50 cheaper because I only have people telling me they like the ad, not that they want to buy some god-damn speakers.
Bumper Stickers Seen
Bumper Stickers Seen
- You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me.
- I have the body of a god... Buddha.
- This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me.
- Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
- The face is familiar but i can't quite remember my name.
- Illiterate? Write for help.
- Honk if anything falls off.
- He who hesitates is not only lost but miles from the next exit.
- This isn't my idea of a good time.
- It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
- Uniquely maladjusted, but fun.
- This bumper sticker exploits illiterates.
- I haven't lost my mind it's backed up on disk somewhere.
- Oh, evolve!
- Gone crazy be back shortly.
- If you're not outraged you're not paying attention.
- (Monday) FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
- (Tuesday) NOTICE - We regret having erred in R. D. Jone's ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap: 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 p.m.
- (Wednesday) NOTICE - R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands corrected as follows: FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 and ask Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.
- (Thursday) NOTICE - I, R. D. Jones, have NO sewing machine for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don't call 555-0707, as the telephone has been disconnected. I have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit."
Signs and Notices 13
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
- In a Hong Kong supermarket: "For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service."
- At fast-food place: "PARKING FOR DRIVE-THRU CUSTOMERS ONLY!"
- Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: "Ladies may have a fit upstairs."
- In a Rhodes tailor shop: "Order your summer suit. Because in big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."
- From the Soviet Weekly: "There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."
- In an East African newspaper: "A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers."
- In a Vienna hotel: "In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter."
- In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: "Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."