Bad News V Good News
Doctor: I have some good news and I have some bad news, which shall I tell first?
Patient: Do begin with the bad news, please.
Doctor: Alright. Your son has drowned, your daughter has been raped, your wife has divorced you, your house got blown away, and you have AIDS.
Patient: Good grief! What's the good news?
Doctor: The good news is that there is no more bad news.
Dad: Son, what do you want to be when you grow up?
Son: I want to be a pizza delivery boy or a plumber.
Dad: Stop watching porn son.
Brains In The Family
A husband says to his wife, "You know, our son got his brain from me." The wife replies, "I think he did. I still got mine with me!"
Mom's Thanksgiving Brownie Recipe
Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Charlie "no, no."
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
Take shortening can away from Charlie and clean floor.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Charlie again and wash the cat's tail.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.
Take telephone away from Charlie and assure 911 operator the call was a mistake.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan. Bake 25 minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from Charlie.
Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn.
Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.
Frosting: Mix the following in saucepan:
1 cup sugar1 oz unsweetened chocolate1/4 cup margarine.
Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% oven and throw it away -- far away.
Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman who was responding to the earlier 911 call that you didn't know Charlie had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street.
Put Charlie in playpen.
Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Charlie having knocked down their holiday display. Promise to pay for broken lights and ornaments.
Tie Charlie to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven.
Laugh Till You Cry
Little Johnny came in from the backyard sobbing. His mother asked "What's the matter?" "Dad was fixing the fence and hit his thumb with the hammer," he said through his tears. "That's not so serious," his mother said, "and a big boy like you shouldn't cry about that. Why didn't you just laugh?" "I did!" cried Johnny.