Mom's Thanksgiving Brownie Recipe
Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Charlie "no, no."
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
Take shortening can away from Charlie and clean floor.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Charlie again and wash the cat's tail.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.
Take telephone away from Charlie and assure 911 operator the call was a mistake.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan. Bake 25 minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from Charlie.
Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn.
Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.
Frosting: Mix the following in saucepan:
1 cup sugar1 oz unsweetened chocolate1/4 cup margarine.
Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% oven and throw it away -- far away.
Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman who was responding to the earlier 911 call that you didn't know Charlie had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street.
Put Charlie in playpen.
Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Charlie having knocked down their holiday display. Promise to pay for broken lights and ornaments.
Tie Charlie to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven.
There was a duck farmer who had 2 sons, but only enough money to send one to college. So he came up with a fair way to choose who was to get the money. He called both of his sons into a room and gave them each a duck and instructed them to go into the city. The one who made the most off the duck would win the money for college. Well the first child, being the good child he was, scurried off to sell his duck. As he was walking, he saw a lady mowing her lawn. She jumped up from the mower and screamed, "IS THAT A DUCK?!?" It sure is he replied, and its for sale too! She said that she collected ducks and would gladly pay him $10 for that duck, he agreed. Well the other son being the "bad" kid went strait for the whore house. When he got there, a lady started hitting on him. He said he'd love to fuck her but he doesn't have any money, just this duck. She thought about it for awhile and said, well I always did want a pet. So they go in the back and had passionate sex. When they were done, the lady said she didn't want the duck anymore. He said he would gladly take the duck back if he could fuck her again, so they went at it again. The guy was pretty happy by now so he runs on home, he ran so fast that the duck got away from him and ran out in front of a car and got hit. The duck was clearly dead, so the lady being in the hurry that she was, gave the young man $25 compensation for the dead duck, then she sped off in her car. When the two finally got home, the father once again called them into a room and said, "How much did you make," looking at his "good" son. The "good" son said $10, with a modest look on his face. Then the dad glared at his other son and said, "How about you?" The bad son said, "well... I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and $25 for a fucked up duck!"
A little boy asks his dad "Where does poo come from?" His father is taken aback by the question but decides to give his son the facts straight up.
"Well son," he says, "food passes down the esophagus by peristalsis. It enters the stomach, where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal. This contracts the protein before waste enters the colon. Water is absorbed, whereupon it enters the rectum finally to emerge as poo."
"Wow," says the boy. "So where does Tigger come from?"
Little Johnny - Don't Ask
Little Johnny asked his mom about her age. "Johnny, gentlemen don't ask ladies that question" Johnny asks his mom about her weight. "Johnny, gentlemen also don't ask ladies about their weight" So Little Johnny asks, "Why did daddy leave you then?"
"Johnny lets not talk about that." She then sent Johnny to his room. On his way to his room he trips on his mom's purse and there he finds her drivers license.
He runs back to his mom and proudly says, "Mom! I know all about you now! You are 42 years old, weigh 172 pounds and the reason why daddy left you is because you got an 'F' in sex!"
A man's house is on fire. No help is in sight so he takes matters into his own hands. He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside. Then he runs back in and gets is daughter and brings her outside. Then his wife. Then the dog. Then the cat. Then he goes back in "3 more times" without bringing out anybody or anything. So a bystander is curious and asks him, "Why do you keep going back into your burning house and not coming out with anything?" The man replies, "I'm turning over my mother in law."