Wit's End

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.
On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

New Fire

Q: Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
A: Yes, we arson.

Husband Looks Bad

The doctor came out of the operating room to talk with the man's wife. "I don't like the looks of your husband," he said. "Neither do I," said the wife, "but he's not home much, and he's great with the kids."