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The best jokes and joke writers!

No Arms and No Legs

There's a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs sitting by a lake. Several beautiful women are running laps around it and the man decides to use his disability to get affection from one of them. The next time one runs by him, the man calls to her: "Excuse me Sweetheart, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you hug me?" She looks around to make sure nobody's watching, leans down, and hugs him. The man thinks, "Wow, I can't believe that worked!", and decides to try it again. Another woman runs by him, and he calls out to her: "Excuse me Darling, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you kiss me?" She looks around to make sure nobody is watching, leans down and gives him a kiss. The man is amazed at how well this is working out for him! The next time a woman runs by, he calls out to her: " Excuse me Beautiful, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you f**k me?" The woman looks around to make sure nobody's watching her, leans down, picks the man up out of his chair, throws him in the lake and tells him: "There... now you're f**ked!

Arriving Home Drunk

A man is in a bar, falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk.

So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home?"

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car, and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.The drunk's wife greets them at the door.

"Why thank you for bringing him home for me," she says, "but where is his wheel chair?"

Good Samaritan

A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him. The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap. "Jeez," the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car.He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door."Hi, Mrs. Murphy, Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home." "That was nice of you," she says, looking around... "But where's his wheelchair?" 

Ponderings Collection

- Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

- If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

- So what's the speed of dark?

- Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

- I just got skylights put in my place.  The people who live above me are furious.

- Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

- Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

- Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

- If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

- Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Good/Bad Car Accident

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life. "Harry says, "My God!... What's the good news?" The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead!"