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The best jokes and joke writers!

Shots Fired

Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired arrive on scene.  After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor,  they called their sergeant for advice on his cell phone. 
 "Hello Sarge.”      "Yes.” 

 "It looks like we have a homicide here. “

 "What happened?”

 "A woman shot her husband for walking on the wet floor she had just mopped.” 

 "Have you placed her under arrest?”

 "No sir.  The floor is still wet."

OJ Simpson in West Virginia?

Q: Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?

A: Everyone has the same DNA.

End Abuse

Q: How do you get a Rams fan to stop beating his wife?

A: Put her in a Patriots jersey

Women's T-Shirt Sayings

  • I'm out of estrogen. I have a gun.
  • Guys have feelings, too. But like... who cares?
  • I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
  • Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
  • I hate everybody, and you're next.
  • Please don't make me kill you.
  • And your point is ...
  • I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
  • I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
  • Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
  • Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
  • You KNOW you want me. 
  • Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time.
  • Of course I don't look busy. . . I did it right the first time.
  • Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
  • I'm multitalented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.
  • Do NOT start with me. You won't win.
  • You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
  • All stressed out and no one to choke.
  • I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
  • How can I miss you if you won't go away?
  • Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
  • If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
  • Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.
  • Don't make me mad. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
  • Objects Under This Shirt ARE Larger Than They Appear.

Cheating Signs

Q: How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?

A: She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.