A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
Insurance Salesman Technique
Life Insurance Agent: "Don't let me frighten you into a decision. Sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think.
Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She re- marries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together." A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?" The priest says, "I mean her legs."
Bump the Gatepost
Pat was found dead in his back yard and as the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal remains wouldn't take a bad turn. At last his friends laid him in the box, nailed it shut and started down the hill into the churchyard. As it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive! They opened the box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, "Sure, it's a miracle of God"! All rejoiced and they went back and had a few more drinks. "But later that day, the poor lad died. Really died. Stone cold dead. They bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed down the hill the next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again"!
My grandfather died due to shoddy hospital care. I wouldn't have minded, but he was only in there to visit my grandma.